A small bit on communication skills

Parents could benefit greatly from improving their communication skills.

Communication skills require and involve much more than hearing words and talking. Communication is a complicated process which is more often than not fowled up during the process.

Parents can learn to play a bigger and better role on the listening end first and foremost. The parents can learn to be sure the clarify what they think they are hearing their child say and what they mean. Interpretation is often another problem.

Parents can then also learn to think about how to proceed instead of being reactive. Most parents do not have optimal parenting skills regarding their ability to manage their reactivity vs. proactive approaches to children and especially challenging situations.

There are many techniques and responses parents can provide to their children which will promote a healthy interaction, further discussion and clarity , as well as a positive outcome. Parents need to learn these techniques.

Some of these techniques involve: feedback, probing, crisis management, acknowledgment of feelings, gathering more information, ignoring, informing, humor, positive sandwich statements, giving choices, clarification, using "I" statements, and sometimes implementation.

Ususally these techniques take practice but if parents are committed to being positive effective parents and being healthier then the time and efforts invested will reap phenomenal benefits!

Positive Parenting Class begins tonight!

"Positive Parenting"
Parenting can be the hardest job on the planet!

1) Learn to reduce, minimize, or eliminate your stress and negativity!
2) Learn all the proven effective, positive parenting strategies.
3) Develop a discipline system that works for your family.
4) Learn how to perfect implementation of your discipline system!

If you are a parent who wants their children to be:
- Safe - Happy - Healthy - Respectful - Responsible - Confident - Independent - Able to think for themselves - Cooperative - Motivated -
- Able to make good choices - Communicative - Self disciplined - Enthusiastic about having a good relationship with you - Successful -

Instructor: MS Child /Adolescent therapist, Parent Expert/Coach, PhD student
Location: Baltimore City - Canton area
Fees: $25.00 per participant, 40$ per couple
Date/Time: December 2 & 9th, 2009 , 6:30 - 8:30 p.m. (4hrs)
Registration is required
Seating is limited

For more information: Contact Dianne DeSantis MS
positiveparentingusa@gmail.com
Call 410-528-3329
www.positiveparentingusa.com

Protecting vs. controlling our children

Naturally parents want to protect their children. I often work with families that try to control just about every situation in order to protect their children. Though very well intended, controlling or preventing your children from trying new things is not a good idea.

Children need to try new things in order to learn new things. Everyone learns much better by doing and children are not exempt of this rule. Parents should encourage children to do new things. Parent scan and should provide support and information to them to best prepare them.

Also parents ( especially dad's with their daughters..sorry dads) need to allow their children to do things that are age appropriate and socially appropriate. Teenagers want to communicate with other teens ( mostly texting nonstop) , they are interested in their sexuality and development, they are interested and like in all sorts of things that adults do not understand, and parents need be able to manage the balance of allowing their children to grow, explore, experience, and learn while keeping them safe and well prepared for life.

I know it is worrisome sometimes but respect their natural and appropriate desire for more privacy and life experience that you will not be part of. Be there for them when they need you. Safety always first but be sure to keep the lines of communication open. Parenting is not about parents controlling, it is about teaching and preparing your children for life and independence.

A Word on Corporal Punishment

Real simple. Do you want or like to be hit, spanked, or physically harmed in any way?
Does being harmed in any way by someone motivate you? What would you learn?

Oh corporal punishment will change behavior BUT only as long as the victim is vulnerable!

If you could teach your children how to be responsible, think for themselves, and make positive productive decisions without corporal punishment...wouldn't you?

Parenting is without debate the hardest job on the planet. Parenting therefore requires many skills and much knowledge. Discipline can be complicated. Bottom line is Information is available for parents.

If you haven't read my article about spanking, please do so.
http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-9038-Baltimore-Family-Issues-Examiner~y2009m6d3-To-spank-or-not-to-spank

If you have any questions, comments, concerns, or need further assistance for being a positive, healthy, effective parent please contact me and I will be happy to help!

role modeling

Adolescent Attitude

There is so much to say about adolescents. First and foremost they are awesome...so interested in everything, so adventuresome, full of energy, so invincible ( in their minds), determined, independent ( again in their minds), and changing so fast...OK I know they are also a big giant pain in the butt! Their mood changes with the wind, they are snippy, they are rebellious, and oh so sloppy ..they seem so irresponsible and private. That beautiful child that used to love you and hug you and be so happy to make you smile now seems to have forgotten all you have done for him or her...

Well parents can you please just remember that they have a lot going on. With all the physical, emotional, and social changes, growth, and adaptation, they are managing it is hard to be responsible and deal well with a nagging parent. And we must admit most parents do not have optimal positive parenting skills that they have been using since the birth. After all these years of yelling, punishment, nit picking, prying into their business, doing everything for them, lecturing, threatening, commanding, demanding, controlling, etc etc...they have had enough.

They know they are supposed to grow up and separate from you. They know they are supposed to get an education, make good decisions, be independent and self supportive and it is all scary as crap!

Detaching from you is as hard for them as it is for you.(though they will never admit that to you) Treat them with respect and they will be respectful, let unimportant issues pass, allow them to express themselves respectfully, let them screw up the small stuff and be there to support them, remember safety first always! ( There is way to much to say about all this..just a drop in a bucket here.)

Of course we must teach them to be responsible and respectful, but if you are a good role model
(which means you behave exactly as you would expect them to behave) and approach all issues, challenges, and concerns in a positive, teaching, loving, productive way, (and if you do not know how to do that I can teach you)I assure you they are pretty certain to grow up and be happy, healthy, responsible and respectful adults.

Positive Parenting Class

"Positive Parenting"
Parenting can be the hardest job on the planet!

1) Learn to reduce, minimize, or eliminate your stress and negativity!
2) Learn all the proven effective, positive parenting strategies.
3) Develop a discipline system that works for your family.
4) Learn how to perfect implementation of your discipline system!

If you are a parent who wants their children to be:
- Safe - Happy - Healthy - Respectful - Responsible - Confident - Independent - Able to think for themselves - Cooperative - Motivated -
- Able to make good choices - Communicative - Self disciplined - Enthusiastic about having a good relationship with you - Successful -

Instructor: MS Child /Adolescent therapist, Parent Expert/Coach, PhD student
Location: Baltimore City - Canton area
Fees: $25.00 per participant, 40$ per couple
Date/Time: December 2 & 9th, 2009 , 6:30 - 8:30 p.m. (4hrs)
Registration is required
Seating is limited

For more information: Contact Dianne DeSantis MS
positiveparentingusa@gmail.com
Call 410-528-3329
www.positiveparentingusa.com

Labels are for products not for children

Please choose positive labels for your children. Many parents label their children unconsciously and reinforce these labels daily throughout their children's lives. Children will be victimized by this self fulfilling prophecy. How will children identify with their positive attributes and work to promote their positive characteristics if parents always focus on the negative traits and characteristics.
Please see my article on the examiner.com

www.examiner.com/x-9038-
Remember to be a positive parent and your children will be more positive too!

Wiping

Well. The time has come. Children need to learn to wipe their own behinds. There are too many parents who do not allow their children the opportunity to practice basic life skills until they can master them.
Parents are doing their children a great injustice if they do not allow them to make a few mistakes do a few tasks not to perfection or as timely as the parent would like.
Parenting requires lots of patience in order to teach and let children learn. Think about the best way to learn...do you learn from just being told or shown or do you learn best when you can do something yourself?
Please know nothing horrible will happen until your child will master wiping! In fact your child will be more likely to develop healthier self esteem, confidence, hygiene, and many other important life skills once they can wipe thelselves!

Intangible Privileges

Parents need to recognize that using intangible rewards can be very powerful approach. Children do care about how their behavior makes their parents feel. Children may not appear to care especially when they are adolescents, but they do.

There has been much evidence that this is true. Especially when parents are good parents and have a healthy relationship with their children, then children care much more about making their parents happy or proud than material rewards or privileges. Your happiness or pride fir your children is a privilege that they earn and enjoy.

A good idea might be to be sure to always let your children know accurately how you feel about their behavior. Please think first, be calm, sincere, and not emotionally reactive. This is an opportunity to share your feelings and teach your child.

Positive Parenting works!

Sorry for the Interruption!

Sorry for the lapse in blogging. I took a month off to drive cross country. It was very inspiring and motivational. I highly recommend the challenging adventure!

Thanks for your continued support and patience while I was away!

Parenting and Media Smarts

So many parents talk about the problems regarding too much tv, computers, texting, overall online use and other media abuse issues.

Just like all other areas of concern in your child's best interests, it is important to approach the issue in a positive and productive manner.

Use of media and all technologies can be a wonderful advantage for children regarding learning. As always parents must remember safety first. Then check themselves to be sure their issues are NOT about he parents need to control but that there concerns are reasonable and make sense.

OK so when addressing such an issue parents can inform the children of the concerns and why they are concerned. Then explain what a reasonable plan to resolve the issue is going to be. Of course your child can have input about what is fair and reasonable or at least parents can listen to what their children have to say. That would be respectful. Offering choices within a healthy level is always another positive approach to an issue. However parents should do some homework and find out what is normal and what is healthy making a decision that is in the best interest of their child. (Normal is not always healthy so it is NOT just about what everyone does..like some people think it is normal for parents to argue with their teens????...This may be normal but it is not an absolute way of life nor is it necessary or healthy. Another topic for another day)

Anyway, it is always better for everyone if the issues are addressed in a positive way with lots of information available so that during and after the discussion about the issue everyone is at least close to agreeing. Trust me if a parent has good information available and provides their children with valid concerns in a respectful way ..children will be receptive to the info and requests.

If children are not then something is not healthy within the interaction and that is what needs to be addressed. Most often there is a power struggle, underlying anger/animosity, or other behavioral issue. If so seek professional help with figuring out why the unhealthy relationship exists.

For most parents just being sincere about your concerns, treating your children with respect, and
approaching the issue with effective communication skills will certainly help resolve the problem or at least be the beginning of a solution.

Ultimately parents are running the show since they provide all the privileges children like, want, and need! Parents however could benefit from being a little nicer when being firm and understand children just need to learn to make good decisions for themselves...that is the parents' responsibility to teach!

Dog Training vs Child Training?

If people are willing to pay 100$ on average to learn how to teach their dogs appropriate ways to behave, why are parents so reluctant to seek help, learn, or pay for formal education about how to interact with children in order to teach them hwo to behave in appropriate ways?

Suicide Prevention Week: Third leading cause of death in adolescents

Suicide is an unpleasant and too often avoided topic. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people ages 15 - 24. It is only third behind homicides and accidents as stated in the Amercian Association of Suicidology Statistics. And based on reports there are probably more suicides that are reported as homicides and accidents for a number of reasons. The statistical fact sheets are always overwhelming. Some of the youth facts are listed below from the 2006 Statistics. It takes almost 3 years for these annual statistics to be complied and publicized.

• Each day, there are approximately 11.5 youth suicides in our nation.
• Every 2 hours and 5 minutes, a person under the age of 25 completes suicide in our nation.
• In 2006, 216 children ages 10 to 14 completed suicide in the U.S.
• Suicide rates for those between the ages of 10-14 increased over 50% between 1981 and 2006.
• Maryland ranks 34 in 2006 and approximately 9.1 youth ages 15-19 completed suicide per every 100,000. That equals 4189 young people in 2006.

The primary focus of Suicide Prevention Week is to raise awareness that suicide can be prevented. If more people were informed about the warning signs and basic prevention skills many lived could be saved.

There is much to understand and learn about suicide. Everyone is not expected to become an expert, but just as people learn preventative measures for so many other safety and health issues, people should be motivated to learn more about the prevention of suicide.

It is important that people understand the trends, possible causes, and warning signs for youth suicide. The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has published articles to help keep others informed.

One important point is that there is no type of person who commits suicide and the reason that any one person might consider suicide can be very different from the reasons that might cause another person to become suicidal. Everyone has mental health and can become ill or suicidal, so anyone could be at risk for suicide.

Warnings signs and symptoms of suicidal thinking are not always blatant or obvious but can be more subtle. Warnings signs are important to know and are listed on many reputable sites (warnings signs and risk factors), however, people must feel informed and confident about what to do when they recognize potential warning signs. Warning signs in children or adolescents might be even more masked or underlying since children are less able to recognize unhealthy thinking, are afraid, embarrassed, or have the needed vocabulary, and are more vulnerable in general.

There are many reputable sites and many professional ready to help provide information or intervention. Please be aware, get informed, and prepared to take action in the event you or someone you know is in need of help. A few minutes to listen, talk, learn, or find help could save your life or the life of someone you love.

Lifeline is a national suicide prevention organization among many available for assistance regarding suicide prevention and intervention. Grassroots Crisis Intervention Center is a local suicide prevention and intervention agency available located in Columbia, Maryland.

Please call if you or someone you know has any questions or concerns to get the support, resources, and help that can save a life.

Selective Mutism

If your child has developed 'selective mutism' you might want to read a little about it. BAsically this is when a child is able to understand and speak fine usually but in specific circumstances does not speak at all. It would also be wise to speak with a professional if your child continues with his or her mutism for longer than a few weeks.

Often this behavior is a result of anxiety. Sometimes it is a behavior which children find works for them to get some need met. For example children might not respond to cause distress in adults and redirect the focus or to gain attention when another sibling usually receives most of the caregivers attention.

Each child and situation is unique and should be assessed if continues for a period of time because the cause can worsen.

https://www.google.com/health/ref/Selective+mutism

Repeating yourself

What is the point of repeating yourself to your children? Do you think they really didn't hear you?
Do you think they have impaired hearing? You should probably get that checked. Do you repeat yourself as a courtesy to your child? Maybe...that's nice. How many times? 2 times, 4 times, 8 times, 20 times...that's not nice any more. Now you are being not so smart and a nuisance. You wonder why children ignore you are dependent on you reminding them for everything.

OK so instead...just be kind and take action. Say what needs to be one once, maybe a kind reminder...they are children and learning, then do what needs to happen. And parents can you please not be mad. This is your responsibility to teach your children how the world works...so when the toys are not picked up or clothes are laying on the stairs, etc. you simply take them and put them away. Unfortunately the child has now lost the privilege of having those otems for a bit...depending on age.

Your consistency and fairness with this 'action' (implementation) will quickly and easily teach your child...you can tell them also how sorry you sincerely are that they lost the privilege since they were not responsible..what a shame....but you are just trying to be a responsible parent.
They WILL GET IT and you will not be the bad guy!

Now that was easy.

Its about education...not intelligence!

Parents...Please can you understand that learning about parenting strategies and methods that are effective and positive is not only for parents with low IQs. duh?

Children do not come with handbooks! Parenting can be very complicated and is a challenging job to do.

It doesn't matter how educated or intelligent you are...if you do not have a degree in child development or psychology etc it would be impossible for you to know details, specifics, or have comprehensive knowledge about child/human behavior.

Parenting is not just about being a good person...there are skills that can make a parent a better parent with a little education !

Coffee Shops and Children?

OK so in the last week I had three friends complain to me that when they went to the coffee shop to do some work, they were annoyed with the games moms play with their children in the midst of people studying or working quietly.

I know a coffee shop is a public venue, but common courtesy and logic must be factored in. If a mom's group wants to get together...that is wonderful but please do not go to a library or coffee shop when there are people trying to be productive and need quiet to do so!

I am not trying to offend these great moms just helping then see this from a different perspective.

As a mother or four grown children and a strong advocate of exposing children to as many environments as possible, I get why you might go there, but please be considerate. Everyone life unfortunately does not evolve around your children or parenthood.

There are thousands of other venues more suitable for hide and seek!

Also these parents are not teaching children to be considerate of others either. Come on parents please teach your children how to behave appropriately in all environments by doing so yourself!

Giving too many commands

If you are giving commands all day, you are annoying your children and teaching your children to ignore you.

Parents give commands all day long. Come eat, get ready, get your jacket, hurry up, let’s go, behave, put your stuff away, get a shower, do good in school, be nice, go change your clothes, be home by dark, ..you get the idea.

Imagine if this was how it was in the adult world? Imagine going to your friends house and all he or she did was bark commands at you…sit down, sit still, stop talking, be polite, eat your food, use your napkin, answer your phone, stop texting, etc…that would be annoying.

If parents think about how they would feel in an adult world being the recipient of the same strategies. Children feel the same way about this command giving, and it is understandable why children become annoyed.

Of course adults do not communicate that way with one another, because adults assume or know that other adults know or will figure out what they need to do. . So why do adults communicate with children this way? Do parents think children cannot figure things out? And how are children supposed to learn?

Ultimately the responsibility of the parent is to teach their children how to think and make good decisions. Right? If parents give a command or tell a child what to do, they are not allowing or training their children to think. When you tell a child what to do it does not allow the child an opportunity to think for him or herself and figure out what they need to do.

Giving commands is just one negative way of trying to get children to do what parents want. Parents always ask “well how in the world do we get our children to do what we want without telling them what to do?” Parents must consider the objective and be smarter. Parents are trying to motivate a child to do something that is in the best interest of the child or the parent.

It is natural for people to dislike being told what to do so it is natural for children to not like being told what to do. Children will learn to ignore their parents or at least ignore the command.

Yes children need guidance and explanations about what to do at times, but there are thousands of interactions each day when a child could just be given information and they could easily choose what to do.

To learn more go to www.examiner.com/x-9038-

Learning from our parents

Many parents comment about how as children they swore that they would not do as their parents did. Many parents report to me that though they turned out O.K. they want to parent their own children differently than they were parented. They say their parents were harsh or did not understand them. They report unpleasant memories or issues as a result of thinking in unhealthy ways.

So what I hear and what I see are often very different. Parents say they want to discipline or teach their children with a more positive approach and be more pleasant, yet what I see is parents doing exactly the same things as what there parents did.

Yes it is a learned behavior, deeply rooted but parents can choose to learn and parent in new positive effective ways if they are willing to be committed and make the effort.

So Parents, learn from your parents take the good and continue with it...think of the negative and learn how to do it better then your children will have the best skills ever to teach your grandchildren! How's that for exponential learning?!

Common well intended mistakes.

Parents make a few mistakes when trying to get their children to behave.

A few common mistakes are telling children what to do, yelling, repetition, lecturing, threatening, humiliating, arguing in front of children, making comparisons between children, overreacting, being inconsistent, talking negatively about challenging behaviors or traits in front of your child, and the list goes on.

Bottom line is parents can learn how to teach or discipline their children to be well behaved in positive ways. Parents can learn to manage their emotions better and be better role models. Parenting is not easy. It is by far the greatest responsibility and challenging task in the world to do well.

Parents need to seek out help with learning about social and emotional development. If parents develop positive parenting skills, life can be much less stressed and children will learn to be much more responsible, responsive, and respectful.

When one parent is not on board about being a positive parent...

Recently several parents have been reporting that though they are working very hard to be a positive parent their spouse is continuing to utilize old techniques that are very negative and ineffective.

Worse yet, this behavior amplifies the stress of parenting for the parent who is trying so hard to be calm and positive.

The good news is that the positive parents are consistently (as always) seeing positive results when they are disciplining (teaching) their children about appropriate behavior.

In the long run the positive parenting will benefit all. Teaching children will take longer if only one parent is practicing these healthy methods but they will still work.

My only suggestion to the positive parents is to utilize the same strategies on their spouse
(usually husbands...sorry guys its true). This also works.

Child abuse comes in lots of forms

Child abuse comes in many forms.

Child abuse is one of the hardest topics to think about and realize as a part of life. Child abuse can range from mild to fatal. Child abuse can be sexual, physical, or emotional. There are also many forms of abuse which are a result of neglect. Children are very vulnerable both physically and emotionally.

Children who are abused are affected in many negative ways. The effects are often profound but can also be subtle. Effects can include changes and impairments in personality, mood, social interactions, interpersonal experiences, or physical well being.

Many adults who have been victims of child abuse never disclose their abuse experiences and suffer silently with symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other related mental health issues. Another serious issue which results from abuse is that the cycle of abuse often continues. If an abused child is never able to recover from abuse emotionally then there usually are ongoing issues. Issues may cause cognitive, emotional, or behavioral impairments.

Society must take action when they know or believe that a child being abused.

Reporting child abuse is intended and usually helps children, families, and parents.

Here is a link to Maryland's counties if you need to report and get an investigation initiated about a concern.

http://www.dhr.state.md.us/cps/address.php

Drug use can destroy lives

Parents fear drug use and potential dependency on drugs. So many parents are clueless anout what to look for and how to prevent such a potentially hazardous behavior.

Parents need to get educated and be sure to provide information to their children about drugs long before they are exposed or are curious.

There are many great resources to learn about drugs and how to interact with your child about htis topic. Parents need to talk with their children and provide lots of literature to them about drug use, abuse, effects, and statistics. Show photographs and true stories to children. Be sure they are properly prepared in order to make informed decisions about what they will choose to do to their bodies and minds.

Parents should share their concerns and why they are concerned.

Parents, schools and organizations can all join forces with promoting education. Please check out this site and become a partner or recommend someone.

http://www.theantidrug.com/partners/become_involved.asp

FOOD and behavior!

OK so I am working with this family and they were concerned about how hyper their 5 year old child was. While at their house the dad prepared a snack right in front of my...Coca cola over ice not straight up , chocolate chip cookies, and a few mini marshmallows!!!!!!!

Now, I am certain most people must realize that caffeine and sugar will cause an energy boost.

I asked about the snack and the parents said that he liked these things. Wait they also said he would get upset if he didn't get these delicious delights.

I will not go into the rest but I will just say to all parents. There are a few things that can make parenting much easier. The first most basic thing parents can do is plan, be creative, and only purchase healthy foods with the least amount of sugar and caffeine possible. Read the labels, because you will learn that sugar is the second ingredient in many foods if not the first!

Children naturally have lots of energy. They have more energy than adults and do not really need energy boosters to get them through their day.

Caffeine and sugar can create symptoms which mimic those of ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

Please check out the following video.

http://www.ehow.com/video_4400862_controlling-caffeine-sugar-adhd.html

Please teach your children to eat healthy at an early age, then it will be much easier to teach appropriate healthy thinking and behaviors. The food our children eat will contribute to their health, mental and physical health.

MOMS and Parenting Issues

It's not easy being a parent.

Unfortunately, moms usually take the brunt of the child-rearing. (No offense dads , just generally speaking and I do know you guys have your own challenges as dads. Also there is a growing number of dads that are primary parents.)

Do you often worry about being a good mother? Do you feel guilty or question your interactions with your children? Do you wish you knew other ways to handle the same type of challenges or new unknown challenges in the future?

If you want to be the best parent possible or if you want to change your approach to be more positive, or maybe you just want to improve your relationship with your child.

Please respond with a comment or send me an email. Let me know about your parenting challenges. I will try provide you with information which can help you find a solutions to your challenges in my blogs or in my articles on the examiner.

www.examiner.com/x-9038-

Choices...

All parents say to their children from time to time, "which do you choose?" Usually this question occurs when a parent is asking about a tangible item, like lunch or flavor for ice cream. Never the less, parents try to teach their children how to make choices.

However, when it comes to behavior this method is used less often. As discussed before parents usually try to tell children what to do and how to behave instead of encouraging and teaching them to think for themselves and make a good decision.

It is a parents job to teach their children to be critical thinkers. This means that when children are faced with choices which is constantly, they can learn to think about what is in their best interest. They should be considering how they would benefit and what choice would have the best outcome. Just like when they choose which lunch or flavor ice cream they can enjoy more.

Children understand more about how the world works than parents like to admit and children want to think for themselves. Parents want their children to be independent as soon as possible for the most part...(of course we love being needed and love our babies to stay our babies, but let's put that aside).

If parents can recognize that it is a positive loving way to teach children to make choices by allowing children to choose things...why aren't parents approaching children in the same loving way about behavior?

An example might be when a parent would like toys to be picked up, he or she could present it like a choice. "If you pick your toys up and put them away then you will know where they are to play with tomorrow or if you do not pick them up then you will not have them to play with tomorrow". Which do you want to do?

Let the child decide then follow through with the plan. If parents did this and were calm and consistent starting at an early age children would learn very quickly to make better choices.

If the child would choose not to pick up the toys, the parent calmly puts them away preferable when the child is napping or not around and put those away for the next day. ( if the child has too much stuff and doesn't care this is another parental issue that needs to be addressed as well, but there are simple solutions to this also)

If the child does care the parent just says sincerely "I am very sorry but you have lost the privilege to play with those toys for today". Done. Parents can choose to teach these valuable lessons in positive ways. Parents and children have choices always.

It is really all about choices!

Listening Skills

Parents ...I love ya...but most of you who have children with behavioral problems are not very good listeners.

I see it over and over. This simple well intended mistake to keep telling your children how to feel what to do is making your children not want to listen to you, cooperate with you, take your advice, or respect you. (among other things)

When children try to talk or express themselves, parents interrupt constantly.

Parents please try to learn how to be a better listener. It makes parenting much easier. Listening will give you much more insight about your child. Listening shows respect for what someone else thinks or feels. Listening is easier than talking and most is useless info anyway. Parents do not have to address every little thing that a child states. Save your breath for important issues.

Listening means listen, just like the way parents expect children to listen. Listen, not just hear the words. Stop thinking about what you want to say or what you want your child to be saying. Listen with your ears and your heart. Hear and understand what is being said. Clarify what is meant. Be sure you understand the intention of what is stated. Listen quietly. Ask questions?
Be interested genuinely. This is your precious child taking the time to share their thoughts and feelings with you. What they are saying is important to them.

Listen like you wish you they would listen to you and they probably will learn to do so!

Checklist

Here is a checklist for parents:

Mental Preparation:

1. Positive philosophies
2. Genuine commitment
3. Healthy positive calm attitude
4. Emotional reactivity management

Parenting skills needed for positive parenting:

1. How to build self esteem
2. Effective communication
3. No negative attitudes
4. Developing and promoting positive attitudes
5. Ignoring inappropriate safe behavior
6. Acknowledging appropriate behavior
7. Giving information clearly and calmly
   
8. Implementing actions in response to inappropriate behaviors
9. Being creative
10. Listening
11. Generating sense of camaraderie within family unit
12. Eliminating unhealthy dyads
13. Negotiating
14. Prioritizing
15. Flexibility
16. Learning age appropriate milestones and normal development
17. Judgment/Fairness
18. Being pleasant and fun
19. Being organization
20. Planning
21. Handling sibling rivalry?
22. Facilitating
    
23. Sharing
24. Being Understanding
25. Providing ongoing support

This is a good start as a checklist for all parents. If you can check off each of these areas as mastered, then positive parenting has begun. Each of these 25 skills, if applied on a regular basis will enhance your relationship with your child. These skills will be teaching your child the important lessons in life that parents need to teach their children. There is more but I wouldn't want parents to get overwhelmed...???!!!

Ignoring your child's behavior

Ignoring

Ignoring a child’s behavior is more difficult and complex then it sounds.

Ignoring is the second strategy of the basic four concepts for discipline. (in other words teaching) Parents who are familiar with positive parenting understand that in regard to positive parenting the term ‘discipline ‘ means ‘teaching’.

Ignoring can be used to minimize and eliminate inappropriate and annoying behaviors. The first rule when using the ignoring technique is that ignoring can only be used for behaviors that are safe. Safety is always first and most important.

Ignoring can be defined as not paying attention to your child’s inappropriate behavior. Ignoring can also be defined as not acknowledging your child’s undesirable behavior. Ignoring is the opposite of acknowledging appropriate behavior, which should happen often. (If you have not read the article about Acknowledgment, please do so when you can).

Remember ignoring is only used to eliminate or minimize inappropriate annoying attention seeking behavior. If your child is legitimately upset about something then a parent must attend to the distress. Parents usually know when a child is distressed and is not just demonstrating a behavioral problem. Knowing how to tell if your child is demonstrating a behavioral problem is another complex topic for another article. Also knowing how to teach your child healthy coping skills if he or she is distressed is also a topic to discuss in more detail.

An important key parenting tip is ….”the behavior you attend to is the behavior you will promote”. Good examples are whining, pouting, stomping, complaining, being noisy, or other possibly inappropriate attention seeking behaviors. If your child behaves in these ways, then your child has learned that when he or she behaves this way, you will respond. They get a payoff. Children are simply figuring out how to get what they want. What they want is usually something specific or just attention. They are pretty darn smart.

Another good point to remember is that children want your attention. They would prefer positive attention, which is why being sure to acknowledge expected desired behaviors is so important. However, they will be fulfilled with getting negative attention over no attention at all.

So ignoring a child can be a problem for many parents for a few reasons. The main reason reported is that parents get frustrated and cannot tolerate the annoying sounds, whining, etc. Parents sometimes report worrying about what other people think, or parents are just uncomfortable feeling like they are ignoring their child.

If parents have trouble with their frustration tolerance then they should learn better coping skills to improve their frustration tolerance. There are absolute skills they can develop which will also help in many other life situations. Learning to manage your emotions especially frustration is an advantageous skill for anyone at any age. There are books to read and professionals who can guide anyone though development of this skill. Also if the parent can be a good role model for high frustration tolerance, they will be teaching their child to tolerate frustration also.

As far as what others think, parents must ask themselves what is more important. In the moment, parents might feel embarrassed that their child is misbehaving. The big picture is that if a parent is truly concerned about the child’s best interest and how to best eliminate an inappropriate behavior then a parent will commit to ignoring and just accept embarrassment for now. (they can also learn to not be so concerned with what other think) In the long run, if parents are concerned about what others think, just imagine the humiliation during adolescents if their child does not learn at a young age that they cannot get everything they want just by whining, shouting, complaining or much worse behaviors in adolescents. Most people parents will never see again. People who count parents can explain to them the strategy of ignoring. (of course there is more to discuss regarding others and social settings)

Regarding a parent feeling badly because they feel like they are ignoring their child, here’s the deal. This is an easy one. Parents must remind themselves that they are not ignoring their children. They are ignoring their children’s inappropriate behavior. Parents are doing their child a great justice by teaching them that they will not succeed in life with this type of behavior. Their teachers will not give them an ‘A’, their bosses will not give them a raise, and their relationships will not be happy and healthy because they stomp and demand it to be the way they want it. All these privileges are earned.

It is a responsible parent’s job to teach their children appropriate behavior. Parents must teach their children how to be responsible. When children have learned these behaviors and demonstrate these behaviors, a parent can tell their child that they will listen to them or talk with them when they are calm, speak normally, or stop whining. Each parent must find the terms that are natural and work for them. It is ok for the parent to let the child know what they are doing and why. i.e.- “I am ignoring you because you are whining or ….”

Please be sure that the instant a child demonstrates self control or an ability to manage their behavior in a positive way that a positive acknowledgment or response is given.

Ignoring is harder then it seems but it is an incredibly safe, calm, and very effective way to minimize and eliminate undesirable behaviors.

Remember all positive parenting strategies are only effective if approached in a loving and genuine way, which means a parent must be very psychologically prepared, confident, and healthy.

Healthy Parents = Healthy Parenting

If parents take care of their physical and psychological health first and foremost then they will be in the best frame of mind and state of being to care for, respond to, and teach their children.

Parents will be better prepared for any of the parenting challenges that arise daily when they are healthy mentally. Parents will be able to remain calm and even resort to humor during the most frustrating interactions when they start with a healthy foundation. Parents are able to make better decision, be more logical, and feel more confident when they eat right, get proper rest, drink plenty of water, exercise, practice positive thinking, have healthy, safe fun, and lead an overall healthy life.

Parents need to remember to take care of themselves first always and make it a lifestyle.

And remember you are teaching your child by way of role modeling how to take care of themselves as well! Bonus!

Blessings on Sunday!

Please hug your child and tell them how much they mean to you today! Please consider how lucky you are if your child is still alive and healthy! There is no better time than today to start being a positive parent.

Child Abuse

Child abuse is a very serious problem and much more pervasive than people realize. There are many indications that a child is being victimized.

• Anger/Disrespect
• Aggression
  
• Sadness
• Withdrawn behavior
• Sudden changes in behavior
• Clingy behavior
• Fear
• Unexplained or frequent Cuts, Bumps, and Bruises
• Anxiety
• Nervousness

Please if you suspect child abuse please do NOT look the other way...
call (in the USA): 1-800-4-A-Child (1-800-422-4453) http://www.reportchildabuse...

Checklist

Here is a checklist for parents:

Mental Preparation:

1. Positive philosophies
2. Genuine commitment
3. Healthy positive calm attitude
4. Emotional reactivity management

Parenting skills needed for positive parenting:

1. How to build self esteem
2. Effective communication
3. No negative attitudes
4. Developing and promoting positive attitudes
5. Ignoring inappropriate safe behavior
6. Acknowledging appropriate behavior
7. Giving information clearly and calmly
   
8. Implementing actions in response to inappropriate behaviors
9. Being creative
10. Listening
11. Generating sense of camaraderie within family unit
12. Eliminating unhealthy dyads
13. Negotiating
14. Prioritizing
15. Flexibility
16. Learning age appropriate milestones and normal development
17. Judgment/Fairness
18. Being pleasant and fun
19. Being organization
20. Planning
21. Handling sibling rivalry?
22. Facilitating
    
23. Sharing
24. Being Understanding
25. Providing ongoing support

This is a good start as a checklist for all parents. If you can check off each of these areas as mastered, then positive parenting has begun. Each of these 25 skills, if applied on a regular basis will enhance your relationship with your child. These skills will be teaching your child the important lessons in life that parents need to teach their children. There is more but I wouldn't want parents to get overwhelmed...???!!!

Tone of voice

It is important to be aware of your tone of voice when you speak. Your tone of voice can indicate your intention more than the content of what you say. So when parents are learning to develop positive parenting skills, they need to be aware of how they feel before they speak.

Your true feelings will shine through in your tone regardless of your words. The intonation of your words and sentences will indicate your sincerity. Please be in positive frame of mind before you speak.

Maybe parents need to take a few more minutes to think during a challenging moment or conflict before blurting out comments that will cause more problems.

Communication is complicated and tone of voice is one very important aspect. Tone of voice is one of the easier aspects of communication to improve.

So Parents, when talking with your children please think first and be sure your approach is going to be a genuine teaching approach.

Punishment

Punishment is an interesting topic. Punishment regardless of its content or what setting it is used is negative. Sit down first. Parenting does NOT have to include punishment at all. Really.
Bottom line it is negative and ineffective. Adults punish because of the lack for knowing how to teach or motivate others (their children) to appropriate action in a better way.

It is a parents responsibility to learn how to teach preferably in positive effective ways. or they can continue to do it the hard unpleasant way for everyone.

A word on punishment

Though punishment is a term which is interpreted in a variety of ways depending on the setting, the word punishment is predominantly negative. Often parents interchange punishment and discipline. When working with parents and talking about losing all negativity (or as much as humanly possible), the term discipline is preferred. We throw out the word punishment. Basically there never needs to be punishment in parenting. WHAT? Most parents freak out immediately when hearing this. How will children ever learn anything? Well actually there are tons of studies indicating that punishment is pretty ineffective.

As a parent, do we really want to punish our children? How awful that is. And what does a parent punishing their child do to the relationship between a parent and child? And if teaching is the goal shouldn’t parents try to find the most effective ways to teach. Positive methods that are reasonable seem to be working really well for positive parents. For the sake of parenting discipline is teaching. Period. There is no punishment ever.

There is a formula that works for the entire world and that is that privileges, advantages, and benefits in life are a direct result of responsible behavior. So if children are not responsible, they lose their privileges, rights, benefits, and advantages naturally.

Unfortunately, responsible parents have the unpleasant responsibility to teach these lessons therefore, parents are responsible for implementing the consequences. But parents hate having to do this part of the job. So instead of implementing the punishment like a warden in a prison, or like the enemy, parents are sincere and sorry when their children lose privileges and children understand this.

The idea is that if we can view discipline as teaching, then there is no need for punishment or any other negative interaction.

What they eat is important

Many parents who are stressed about their children's behavior sometimes forget to consider what their children are eating. What children consume has a great deal to do with how the chemicals in their bodies interact. Processing food and drink can affect behavior. Some reactions are common but there are also unique reactions for certain children. It would be important for parents to monitor what children eat as a good place to start to see if certain foods or drinks affect their child in unhealthy ways.
Many parents also are concerned that their children are too hyper...ready to jump to a diagnosis and medication. When discussing food intake it is often discovered that some of these children also eat tons of sugar and other sweet foods....some obvious like coca-cola??? but others more subtle like cereals...read the ingredients there is tons of sugar in many foo and drink products.
So parents..once again lots to learn...read read read...labels...articles on reations, and monitor what your child puts in their bodies now and help them develop good healthy eating habits which will probably carry on throughout their lives.

Happy parents

Happy parents makes happy children! If you have never read the poem. "Children are what they Live " by Dr. Nolte please take a minute and read it now. Read it and really think about it because it is so true. There is evidence.

Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte

What children hear from others

Children can hear or witness something that parents are not aware of and react to it. When child behaves unusually, there is a reason. It is not always that a child just wants to drive you crazy though there are times like that. haha. Those times are very infrequent. Anyway, a parent needs to ask a child what is going on. Ask them why they are behaving the way they are. Children cannot always express what has caused their absurd behavior. However by you asking they might be able to think about it. It is important for parents to realize that in most cases there is a very good reason why children choose to misbehave.
So one of the reasons could very easily be that they have heard or witnessed something that they do not understand. This often occurs when children reach the age where they are spending a little more time outside of the home.
So parents be sure to ask if your child's behavior seems different or they seem angry or withdrawn. If a child exhibits any behavior which is negative or unusual please ask. If they do not tell you ask about their activities, friends, and experiences. Do not interrogate them, just make conversation and most times the incident or statements that are causing confusion or a negative reaction will emerge.
Then parents, you have yet another responsibility for helping put this problem into a healthy positive perspective for your child. Hopefully it will be an easy one. Another blog for another day.

Being aware of what children hear

Parents sometimes forget that children are within earshot of what the parents are saying. Comments that parents sometimes make can be very harmful to children. The way children interpret comments can be very different than what a parent is expressing. Children often are frightened, confused, or angered by comments parents make and the parents are not even aware of the fact that the child has heard them make a statement that could have been misinterpreted or should not have been heard.
Parents must be aware of what they say, where their children are, and whether or not it is the best interest of the child to hear their comments. It is also in the parents best interest in order to avoid even more challenges or conflicts down the road.
Children will rarely disclose that they have heard something hurtful or upsetting, they will simply internalize these thoughts and that can be very harmful since they might not understand what was actually meant or have all the information needed. A child's imagination can make some statements seem much worse than they are. Children do not have the skills necessary for coping or managing adult problems and parents should not expect children to do so. Parents are responsible for being honest but also for presenting issues to children in age appropriate ways that children can handle and feel secure.
So parents be careful if you want to avoid causing your child unnecessary distress and likely undesirable emotional or behavioral consequences to your comments.
Be kind, considerate, and thoughtful of your children and it will make your life easier too!

Respect

Parents are always saying their children do not respect them. The only way to earn respect is to give it. This does not mean that if you treat someone with respect they will always respect you in return. It does mean that if you always treat someone with respect and then they do not reciprocate respect that at least you know that their disrespect is NOT because you did not earn it.

One problem is parents believe that respect should be automatic. That just because they are parents, they can speak to and treat their children any way they choose and still the child should respect them. Unfortunately, this usually is not the case. Should it be?

Parents are often stressed and unintentionally speak to their children in angry, insulting, and threatening ways. In fact these are often common strategies and attempts to change behaviors. These negative approaches are rarely effective unless children are very vulnerable and they still have negative long term effects.

Bottom line is everyone must earn respect. If parents treat their child with disrespect just because they can then they will not earn respect from their children.

Children are dependent and vulnerable and will tolerate many things because they have no choice, but there is a reason so many children display disrespect as they get older, stronger, and more independent. DISRESPECT IS NOT A PHASE!

Please understand the importance of being respectful to your children. This does not equal permissiveness. It simply means saying and doing what you need to do as a responsible parent without being disrespectful to your child. If a parent feels confused about this then please ask or seek professional help to understand this concept. It WILL enhance your relationship with your children. It will teach one of the most valuable lessons in the world to your children and you will reap the wonderful reward of respect for a lifetime.

Parents and children during marriage problems

When parents are experiencing challenges in their marriage, they must consider how their children are being affected. Far too many parents get caught up in the daily chaos of their own dilemma and basically disregard the children and the effects on the children.

Parents should be very careful to talk with their children as honestly as possible in terms which are age appropriate. If parent are unsure about what is age appropriate , they need do their homework and learn either from a professional or from reading a book or two.

Children are perceptive and in tune with normal family interactions. Children know when something is not right. And if there is not positive conversation about issues then children might and probably will imagine things to be worse or more negative than necessary.

Children need to feel secure, supported, respected, and loved for optimal self esteem, and emotional and social development.

Parents being healthy and demonstrating an ability to work through their problems is very important during these times. Parents who are capable to manage their emotions, choose when and where to discuss (argue), and what to allow children to hear are being responsible parents.

Please understand your marriage problems, separation, divorce is not only between you and your spouse!

Independence Day ?

Happy 4th of July or as I like to say Happy Independence Day!

Independence...now that is a good topic for parenting. It is interesting that parents always want their children to become more independent, yet parents constantly tell their children what to do, how to do it, and how they should feel, etc.

When children start to become independent parents often resist it. Point is parents want their children to be independent, but it is a hard process for both children and parents.

Children and adolescents becoming independent is a complicated, slow, and sometimes a fragile process that is often discussed during coaching because it creates so much conflict among family members. Independence can often be camouflaged as defiance, disrespect, or rebellious behavior.

Children becoming independent can be scary for both parents and children. The parent's overt reaction to independence doesn't usually look or fell to the children like concern or fear. It usually looks and feels like control, power, lack of trust, and anger.

Becoming independent is a long dance with time between parents and children. Toes will be stepped on, the music will change tempo, but both are required to keep trying to understand what the other is doing and what is the best way to react so that the dance can be fun and as smooth as possible, until one day the dance is over and both parent and child can be independent of one another. A big change for both!

Both must be ready to separate and end the dance, so independence is not just about the children and what they do to become independent. Parents play a significant role in preparing children for independence. Parents have many tough jobs as parents but not many are more difficult than learning how to still be a great parent and let their children be truly independent!

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"How to Raise Responsible Children"
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Opportunities to teach children

As everyone knows, with parenting comes challenges. Though there are always
opportunities to teach children to repeat appropriate behaviors by acknowledging those behaviors, it is also a time to teach when children are behaving in not such
great ways. (To put it mildly).

If parents can just recognize each challenging moment as an opportunity to
teach , they are immediately in a healthier frame of mind. The benefits to this type of attitude or way of thinking are immeasurable. If parents view every aggravation as an opportunity then
they will reduce their stress level, be more calm, logical, and a much better role model.

Find the humor in situations when you can, but regardless, take a deep breath and think... OK what are we needing to learn this time?

And take it from there. At least parents will be starting out knowing that this is a time to learn and grow...one more teacing job well done !

Parenting Styles?

As everyone knows people are different and so it would make sense that there would be different parenting styles. Parenting styles range from being too strict and controlling to being overly permissive and uninvolved. Parenting is not about being a tyrant to MAKE children do things , nor is it about being overly permissive and doing everything you possibly can so your child will think you are a cool parent.

Parenting is NOT about 'control'. It is about teaching. Being a good role model, learning and developing the positive attitudes and skills required fro teaching. It is about knowing how to teach your children from a very young age how to think for themselves make good decisions and behave in ways that reflect their good reasoning. Of course parenting requires knowledge about how to teach children to think for themselves. Most parents just expect their children to be able to be logical and have good reasoning automatically, which is why children do not learn how.

Parenting requires good judgment and knowing when to talk with your child, when to listen to them, when to say "absolutely not", and when to reconsider your immediate "NO" to a request.

Bottom line, there are categories for parenting styles and parents should be familiar and understand their own style as a baseline. However, it is very important that parents learn positive effective ways to teach their children to think, and be healthy and happy. Parents can learn quickly that what works will be the style that enhances and builds strong healthy parent/child relationships.

Know what is normal

It is very important for parents to be sure to read as much as possible about milestones and what is normal development. One of the reasons that parents seem to question their decisions or feel uncertain about what to do during challenging situations is because most parents are not informed or educated about what is normal development. Most books or reputable websites will describe what is normal at every age and in all areas of development. Areas of development will include cognitive, social, emotional, behavioral, and physical development. So parents besides some of the other really basic requirements of effective, positive parenting, reading and learning all you can about development is very helpful and will help make parenting easier.

Parents learn by asking

If your child has any behavior which you want to decrease or eliminate, please ask a parent coach. You can read a book also but it can very time, energy, and cost efficient to just ask. MINDCare offers weekly phone conference calls for parents and NOW during JULY they are discounted due to high demand during these summer months with children home for summer vacation.
www.mindcareusa.com or call 410-528-3329

Ignoring behavior

One of the easiest ways a parent can respond to inappropriate behavior is to ignore it. I say easy because I mean a parent basically has to do nothing physically. It is not easy emotionally to ignore behavior because parents must be making a conscious effort to just go about their business while the behavior is occurring (and inside they want to just scream). So self control is required. Sometimes tons of self control. However it is important for parents to remember "the behavior you attend to will be the behavior you promote." That is a very important statement to remember. Now there is one very important rule and that is that you can only ignore behavior when it is safe. Safety is always first. So when a parent is uncertain about what to ignore, they can just ask that question. Is this safe behavior ?? Naturally there will be behaviors that are just too annoying and a parent has rights too so they can choose to address the behavior but I assure you no matter how annoying if the parent can find a way to ignore it...it will stop much faster.
Some parents say "I feel terrible ignoring my child. " Of course you do you love your child and they are upset, but remember you are not ignoring the child you are ignoring the inappropriate behavior. I also recommend communicating with the child what you are doing. If your child is a whiner, just let them know you will speak or listen to them when they are able to talk properly. And say it only once or you defeating the purpose of ignoring. Sometimes this simple method requires a little training and definitely practice but I assure you it is one of the simplest, least stressful methods for modifying behavior. There are tons of books and people to help with this if needed. Just be sure to remember no matter what strategy is used it must be implemented in a positive manner to be truly positive and long term effective. So parents start ignoring it can be positively rewarding!

Being a good role model

It is very important for parents to understand the magnitude of the impact that role modeling has on a child. There are many studies indicating that a child will learn and imitate a parents behavior much more often than children will do what a parent tells them to do. Parents need to check their behaviors in regard to their reactions and responses to others in their daily routine. Parents need to be aware of their motivation, morals, health decisions, eating and sleeping habits, compassion for others, attitudes, friendships, and so much more. There are tons of beliefs and behaviors that parents teach their children without ever realizing it. So parents behave as you would want your child to behave. If you want your child to be respectful, responsible, positive, productive, and safe, make sure you are behaving in those ways at all times.

Good people do not automatically make good parents...sorry!

People seem to think that if they are good people, can have babies, are intelligent, and are loving and moral and kind, etc...that they will automatically make good or even great parents.
parenting requires many specific skills and tons of knowledge. Oh it can be done without these skills and knowledge but not without a lot of distress, animosity, negativity, unhappy memories, etc. Just think how pleasant the adventures of parenting could be everyday throughout all the years of teaching children if parents could just learn more about positive parenting first. Everyone would be happier and healthier. There are so many benefits to positive effective parenting that I will have to list them in another blog. :-)

Blog Problem and So Sorry Again!

If you received a violation warning, it is apparently an automated warning for new bloggers. I sincerely apologize for the confusion. I waited until I had a few blogs up and running for a few days just to be sure there were no kinks before I sent this blog address out to so many of you who requested it and today I received word that it needs to be checked and reviewed to prevent spam bloggers. All is well intended.

Thanks for reading and hopefully this blog will continue without further problems.

Parents need to make their health a priority

Parenting is tough. Everyday there are new challenges. Most parents tend to put themselves last and that is very honorable. However, if parents are to be the best parents they can be they must make their health a priority. First and foremost, if parents have a lifestyle which enhances both physical and psychological health, then they are role modeling the same behavior for their children. But also when the challenges arise (and they will) parents will be in the best frame of mind and physical condition to remain calm, loving, and positive. They will be able to make better decisions and discipline (which means teach) their children in very effective and positive ways.
Some parents try to make time for their physical health but very few even know what to do for their psychological well being (another topic to get into much more detail later). The benefits are immeasurable for parents and children when parents make their health a priority.

Sorry for the Interruption!

OOPS! Due to an unfortunate technical problem savetheparents blog experienced a brief delay!
We are back and will be here everyday, hopefully you will be here too!
Again ...our most sincere apology!

Parents talking too much?

Parents talk way too much!

Most parents spend an enormous amount of unnecessary energy talking to their children. Parents are constantly telling children what to do. They give commands to their children nonstop throughout the day. Whether it is something a parent wants a child to do or something a parent wants a child to stop doing, it doesn’t matter parents just talk too much.

There are a few reasons parents need to consider how much they talk to their children. I will list those reasons in a moment. I say talk to them and not with them, because I am not speaking about the healthy, productive conversations. I am talking about all the annoying, unnecessary commands given to children each day. For example, “wake up”, “eat your breakfast”, “get dressed”, “brush your teeth”, “get your book bag”, “put on your jacket”, “shut the door”, “turn off the TV”, “stop that”, “don’t do this or don’t do that”, “get off the computer”, “be quiet”. “stay away from that kid”, “go to sleep”, and on and on.

The first reason that parents should consider how much they talk is that though this command giving is typical parent behavior, it is also mostly a waste of energy and not the most productive way to teach children. Also, parents wonder why children ignore them, don’t listen to them, or pretend they do not hear their parents. Duh? Imagine if bosses stood over employees and said” turn your computer on, pick up your mail, write this memo, fix this part”, etc. Oh my.

Another reason for parents to stop talking so much is very simple. If parents talked less, children would attend to what parents say more. If children knew that when parents do talk it is important and they will probably miss out on important information, then they will listen. Just the physiological aspects of the parents voice becoming like constant white noise in the background is enough to understand this concept.

Also remember the importance of role modeling. Children will behave as a parent behaves way before a child will do what a parent says on many levels, from smoking, drinking, education, employment, healthy relationships, etc.

One of the most important reasons that parents need to be quiet more often is because parents will promote the behaviors they attend to. If parents constantly give a child attention for all sorts of annoying little behaviors then the child will continue those behaviors. This is not rocket science. Children want their parent’s attention and guess what …they figure out very quickly how to get it. Children do not care if it negative attention, they just want attention. Understand that they would prefer positive attention but basically it is natural for most parents to ignore expected, appropriate behaviors. Acknowledging appropriate behavior is equally important as ignoring inappropriate behavior however that is another topic to be discussed in another article.

If parents can ignore safe annoying behavior, the behavior will stop eventually. Remember safety is always first. Many behaviors can be very annoying but if a parent really wants the behavior to stop just ignore it as long as it is safe.

Lastly a reason for parents to only state what is important is so parents learn to inform children what needs to happen instead of barking commands at them all day, every day. It is a parent’s responsibility to teach children how to think for themselves and learn to make good, healthy decisions. They will desperately need this skill as teenagers.
So instead of “put a jacket on” a parent might say “it’s cold outside today”. Or instead of “come eat”, how about saying “dinner is ready”. Teaching children is all about giving information.

Hopefully children realize by the time they are in school that they need to take their book bag with them, yet parents insist to say it. That really is quite insulting. What if your spouse would say “take your briefcase”? Of course children need guidance and support but no one needs to be told what to do all the time. Nor will anyone appreciate being given commands all day, even children.

Naturally modifying behavior does not stop here. Parents must learn what to do when behavior is inappropriate and doesn’t stop or is intolerable. Again another discussion for another time but basically it is all in the approach. Parent must maintain a positive philosophy and know how to inform children of what needs to happen and then know how to implement positive effective discipline, which is teaching, so that a child can learn.

I forgot to mention the benefit to parents. Imagine how much less stressful it would be for parents to talk even 50% less. Parents would save so much energy. The home would be so much more quiet and pleasant. Imagine how much more calm everyone could be with just a few parenting skills and a few changes.

Parents can learn how to manage or modify children’s behavior and to teach children how to be responsible and respectful. Remember parents are the ones who usually have taught their child to behave they way they do, so they certainly have the ability to undo and teach new behavior when necessary. After all, parents are supposed to be smarter and more experienced than children…right?

The Importance of Consistency

Just a quick note about parents being consistent and a statement to give some thought.

“Most people make decisions about what they should to do because they know what will happen after they do it.” (Cause and Effect Principle.)

Being consistent is important for children to learn and understand how life works or at least how life works in their home.

Every interaction between a child and a parent is a learning experience for the child. Every challenging behavior is an opportunity for a parent to teach their children how life works. If parents want to be positive parents, then they need to be consistently positive! But they also need to be ...calm, loving, genuine, respectful, and supportive among other things.

If each challenging behavior is handled in a different way each time, then children will be confused.

By the same token if children have consistent discipline (which is teaching), then they will know what to do and what will happen when they do not do what is necessary.

If there are two parents in the home, it is optimal for both parents to be, at the very least, generally, on the same page about the philosophies and approaches to parenting. However, the bottom line is the more consistency, the greater the impact of teaching.

Consistency is quite important when teaching children how things are going to work.