a blog for parents to explore all the wonders of positive parenting...new perspectives, knowledge, and skills are key for being an effective, positive parent!
Unfortunately, moms usually take the brunt of the child-rearing. (No offense dads , just generally speaking and I do know you guys have your own challenges as dads. Also there is a growing number of dads that are primary parents.)
Do you often worry about being a good mother? Do you feel guilty or question your interactions with your children? Do you wish you knew other ways to handle the same type of challenges or new unknown challenges in the future?
If you want to be the best parent possible or if you want to change your approach to be more positive, or maybe you just want to improve your relationship with your child.
Please respond with a comment or send me an email. Let me know about your parenting challenges. I will try provide you with information which can help you find a solutions to your challenges in my blogs or in my articles on the examiner.
All parents say to their children from time to time, "which do you choose?" Usually this question occurs when a parent is asking about a tangible item, like lunch or flavor for ice cream. Never the less, parents try to teach their children how to make choices.
However, when it comes to behavior this method is used less often. As discussed before parents usually try to tell children what to do and how to behave instead of encouraging and teaching them to think for themselves and make a good decision.
It is a parents job to teach their children to be critical thinkers. This means that when children are faced with choices which is constantly, they can learn to think about what is in their best interest. They should be considering how they would benefit and what choice would have the best outcome. Just like when they choose which lunch or flavor ice cream they can enjoy more.
Children understand more about how the world works than parents like to admit and children want to think for themselves. Parents want their children to be independent as soon as possible for the most part...(of course we love being needed and love our babies to stay our babies, but let's put that aside).
If parents can recognize that it is a positive loving way to teach children to make choices by allowing children to choose things...why aren't parents approaching children in the same loving way about behavior?
An example might be when a parent would like toys to be picked up, he or she could present it like a choice. "If you pick your toys up and put them away then you will know where they are to play with tomorrow or if you do not pick them up then you will not have them to play with tomorrow". Which do you want to do?
Let the child decide then follow through with the plan. If parents did this and were calm and consistent starting at an early age children would learn very quickly to make better choices.
If the child would choose not to pick up the toys, the parent calmly puts them away preferable when the child is napping or not around and put those away for the next day. ( if the child has too much stuff and doesn't care this is another parental issue that needs to be addressed as well, but there are simple solutions to this also)
If the child does care the parent just says sincerely "I am very sorry but you have lost the privilege to play with those toys for today". Done. Parents can choose to teach these valuable lessons in positive ways. Parents and children have choices always.
Parents ...I love ya...but most of you who have children with behavioral problems are not very good listeners.
I see it over and over. This simple well intended mistake to keep telling your children how to feel what to do is making your children not want to listen to you, cooperate with you, take your advice, or respect you. (among other things)
When children try to talk or express themselves, parents interrupt constantly.
Parents please try to learn how to be a better listener. It makes parenting much easier. Listening will give you much more insight about your child. Listening shows respect for what someone else thinks or feels. Listening is easier than talking and most is useless info anyway. Parents do not have to address every little thing that a child states. Save your breath for important issues.
Listening means listen, just like the way parents expect children to listen. Listen, not just hear the words. Stop thinking about what you want to say or what you want your child to be saying. Listen with your ears and your heart. Hear and understand what is being said. Clarify what is meant. Be sure you understand the intention of what is stated. Listen quietly. Ask questions? Be interested genuinely. This is your precious child taking the time to share their thoughts and feelings with you. What they are saying is important to them.
Listen like you wish you they would listen to you and they probably will learn to do so!
Implementing actions in response to inappropriate behaviors
Being creative
Listening
Generating sense of camaraderie within family unit
Eliminating unhealthy dyads
Negotiating
Prioritizing
Flexibility
Learning age appropriate milestones and normal development
Judgment/Fairness
Being pleasant and fun
Being organization
Planning
Handling sibling rivalry?
Facilitating
Sharing
Being Understanding
Providing ongoing support
This is a good start as a checklist for all parents. If you can check off each of these areas as mastered, then positive parenting has begun. Each of these 25 skills, if applied on a regular basis will enhance your relationship with your child. These skills will be teaching your child the important lessons in life that parents need to teach their children. There is more but I wouldn't want parents to get overwhelmed...???!!!
Ignoring a child’s behavior is more difficult and complex then it sounds.
Ignoring is the second strategy of the basic four concepts for discipline. (in other words teaching)Parents who are familiar with positive parenting understand that in regard to positive parenting the term ‘discipline ‘ means ‘teaching’.
Ignoring can be used to minimize and eliminate inappropriate and annoying behaviors.The first rule when using the ignoring technique is that ignoring can only be used for behaviors that are safe.Safety is always first and most important.
Ignoring can be defined as not paying attention to your child’s inappropriate behavior.Ignoring can also be defined as not acknowledging your child’s undesirable behavior.Ignoring is the opposite of acknowledging appropriate behavior, which should happen often.(If you have not read the article about Acknowledgment, please do so when you can).
Remember ignoring is only used to eliminate or minimize inappropriate annoying attention seeking behavior.If your child is legitimately upset about something then a parent must attend to the distress.Parents usually know when a child is distressed and is not just demonstrating a behavioral problem.Knowing how to tell if your child is demonstrating a behavioral problem is another complex topic for another article.Also knowing how to teach your child healthy coping skills if he or she is distressed is also a topic to discuss in more detail.
An important key parenting tip is ….”the behavior you attend to is the behavior you will promote”. Good examples are whining, pouting, stomping, complaining, being noisy, or other possibly inappropriate attention seeking behaviors.If your child behaves in these ways, then your child has learned that when he or she behaves this way, you will respond.They get a payoff.Children are simply figuring out how to get what they want.What they want is usually something specific or just attention.They are pretty darn smart.
Another good point to remember is that children want your attention.They would prefer positive attention, which is why being sure to acknowledge expected desired behaviors is so important.However, they will be fulfilled with getting negative attention over no attention at all.
So ignoring a child can be a problem for many parents for a few reasons.The main reason reported is that parents get frustrated and cannot tolerate the annoying sounds, whining, etc.Parents sometimes report worrying about what other people think, or parents are just uncomfortable feeling like they are ignoring their child.
If parents have trouble with their frustration tolerance then they should learn better coping skills to improve their frustration tolerance.There are absolute skills they can develop which will also help in many other life situations.Learning to manage your emotions especially frustration is an advantageous skill for anyone at any age.There are books to read and professionals who can guide anyone though development of this skill.Also if the parent can be a good role model for high frustration tolerance, they will be teaching their child to tolerate frustration also.
As far as what others think, parents must ask themselves what is more important.In the moment, parents might feel embarrassed that their child is misbehaving.The big picture is that if a parent is truly concerned about the child’s best interest and how to best eliminate an inappropriate behavior then a parent will commit to ignoring and just accept embarrassment for now.(they can also learn to not be so concerned with what other think)In the long run, if parents are concerned about what others think, just imagine the humiliation during adolescents if their child does not learn at a young age that they cannot get everything they want just by whining, shouting, complaining or much worse behaviors in adolescents.Most people parents will never see again.People who count parents can explain to them the strategy of ignoring.(of course there is more to discuss regarding others and social settings)
Regarding a parent feeling badly because they feel like they are ignoring their child, here’s the deal.This is an easy one.Parents must remind themselves that they are not ignoring their children. They are ignoring their children’s inappropriate behavior.Parents are doing their child a great justice by teaching them that they will not succeed in life with this type of behavior.Their teachers will not give them an ‘A’, their bosses will not give them a raise, and their relationships will not be happy and healthy because they stomp and demand it to be the way they want it.All these privileges are earned.
It is a responsible parent’s job to teach their children appropriate behavior.Parents must teach their children how to be responsible.When children have learned these behaviors and demonstrate these behaviors, a parent can tell their child that they will listen to them or talk with them when they are calm, speak normally, or stop whining.Each parent must find the terms that are natural and work for them.It is ok for the parent to let the child know what they are doing and why.i.e.- “I am ignoring you because you are whining or ….”
Please be sure that the instant a child demonstrates self control or an ability to manage their behavior in a positive way that a positive acknowledgment or response is given.
Ignoring is harder then it seems but it is an incredibly safe, calm, and very effective way to minimize and eliminate undesirable behaviors.
Remember all positive parenting strategies are only effective if approached in a loving and genuine way, which means a parent must be very psychologically prepared, confident, and healthy.
If parents take care of their physical and psychological health first and foremost then they will be in the best frame of mind and state of being to care for, respond to, and teach their children.
Parents will be better prepared for any of the parenting challenges that arise daily when they are healthy mentally. Parents will be able to remain calm and even resort to humor during the most frustrating interactions when they start with a healthy foundation. Parents are able to make better decision, be more logical, and feel more confident when they eat right, get proper rest, drink plenty of water, exercise, practice positive thinking, have healthy, safe fun, and lead an overall healthy life.
Parents need to remember to take care of themselves first always and make it a lifestyle.
And remember you are teaching your child by way of role modeling how to take care of themselves as well! Bonus!
Please hug your child and tell them how much they mean to you today! Please consider how lucky you are if your child is still alive and healthy! There is no better time than today to start being a positive parent.
Child abuse is a very serious problem and much more pervasive than people realize. There are many indications that a child is being victimized.
Anger/Disrespect
Aggression
Sadness
Withdrawn behavior
Sudden changes in behavior
Clingy behavior
Fear
Unexplained or frequent Cuts, Bumps, and Bruises
Anxiety
Nervousness
Please if you suspect child abuse please do NOT look the other way... call (in the USA): 1-800-4-A-Child (1-800-422-4453) http://www.reportchildabuse...
Implementing actions in response to inappropriate behaviors
Being creative
Listening
Generating sense of camaraderie within family unit
Eliminating unhealthy dyads
Negotiating
Prioritizing
Flexibility
Learning age appropriate milestones and normal development
Judgment/Fairness
Being pleasant and fun
Being organization
Planning
Handling sibling rivalry?
Facilitating
Sharing
Being Understanding
Providing ongoing support
This is a good start as a checklist for all parents. If you can check off each of these areas as mastered, then positive parenting has begun. Each of these 25 skills, if applied on a regular basis will enhance your relationship with your child. These skills will be teaching your child the important lessons in life that parents need to teach their children. There is more but I wouldn't want parents to get overwhelmed...???!!!
It is important to be aware of your tone of voice when you speak. Your tone of voice can indicate your intention more than the content of what you say. So when parents are learning to develop positive parenting skills, they need to be aware of how they feel before they speak.
Your true feelings will shine through in your tone regardless of your words. The intonation of your words and sentences will indicate your sincerity. Please be in positive frame of mind before you speak.
Maybe parents need to take a few more minutes to think during a challenging moment or conflict before blurting out comments that will cause more problems.
Communication is complicated and tone of voice is one very important aspect. Tone of voice is one of the easier aspects of communication to improve.
So Parents, when talking with your children please think first and be sure your approach is going to be a genuine teaching approach.
Punishment is an interesting topic. Punishment regardless of its content or what setting it is used is negative. Sit down first. Parenting does NOT have to include punishment at all. Really. Bottom line it is negative and ineffective. Adults punish because of the lack for knowing how to teach or motivate others (their children) to appropriate action in a better way.
It is a parents responsibility to learn how to teach preferably in positive effective ways. or they can continue to do it the hard unpleasant way for everyone.
Though punishment is a term which is interpreted in a variety of ways depending on the setting, the word punishment is predominantly negative.Often parents interchange punishment and discipline.When working with parents and talking about losing all negativity (or as much as humanly possible), the term discipline is preferred.We throw out the word punishment.Basically there never needs to be punishment in parenting.WHAT? Most parents freak out immediately when hearing this.How will children ever learn anything?Well actually there are tons of studies indicating that punishment is pretty ineffective.
As a parent, do we really want to punish our children?How awful that is. And what does a parent punishing their child do to the relationship between a parent and child?And if teaching is the goal shouldn’t parents try to find the most effective ways to teach.Positive methods that are reasonable seem to be working really well for positive parents.For the sake of parenting discipline is teaching. Period.There is no punishment ever.
There is a formula that works for the entire world and that is that privileges, advantages, and benefits in life are a direct result of responsible behavior.So if children are not responsible, they lose their privileges, rights, benefits, and advantages naturally.
Unfortunately, responsible parents have the unpleasant responsibility to teach these lessons therefore, parents are responsible for implementing the consequences.But parents hate having to do this part of the job.So instead of implementing the punishment like a warden in a prison, or like the enemy, parents are sincere and sorry when their children lose privileges and children understand this.
The idea is that if we can view discipline as teaching, then there is no need for punishment or any other negative interaction.
Many parents who are stressed about their children's behavior sometimes forget to consider what their children are eating. What children consume has a great deal to do with how the chemicals in their bodies interact. Processing food and drink can affect behavior. Some reactions are common but there are also unique reactions for certain children. It would be important for parents to monitor what children eat as a good place to start to see if certain foods or drinks affect their child in unhealthy ways. Many parents also are concerned that their children are too hyper...ready to jump to a diagnosis and medication. When discussing food intake it is often discovered that some of these children also eat tons of sugar and other sweet foods....some obvious like coca-cola??? but others more subtle like cereals...read the ingredients there is tons of sugar in many foo and drink products. So parents..once again lots to learn...read read read...labels...articles on reations, and monitor what your child puts in their bodies now and help them develop good healthy eating habits which will probably carry on throughout their lives.
Happy parents makes happy children! If you have never read the poem. "Children are what they Live " by Dr. Nolte please take a minute and read it now. Read it and really think about it because it is so true. There is evidence.
Children Learn What They Live By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive. If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves. If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy. If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty. If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. If children live with tolerance, they learn patience. If children live with praise, they learn appreciation. If children live with acceptance, they learn to love. If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves. If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal. If children live with sharing, they learn generosity. If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness. If children live with fairness, they learn justice. If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect. If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them. If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Children can hear or witness something that parents are not aware of and react to it. When child behaves unusually, there is a reason. It is not always that a child just wants to drive you crazy though there are times like that. haha. Those times are very infrequent. Anyway, a parent needs to ask a child what is going on. Ask them why they are behaving the way they are. Children cannot always express what has caused their absurd behavior. However by you asking they might be able to think about it. It is important for parents to realize that in most cases there is a very good reason why children choose to misbehave. So one of the reasons could very easily be that they have heard or witnessed something that they do not understand. This often occurs when children reach the age where they are spending a little more time outside of the home. So parents be sure to ask if your child's behavior seems different or they seem angry or withdrawn. If a child exhibits any behavior which is negative or unusual please ask. If they do not tell you ask about their activities, friends, and experiences. Do not interrogate them, just make conversation and most times the incident or statements that are causing confusion or a negative reaction will emerge. Then parents, you have yet another responsibility for helping put this problem into a healthy positive perspective for your child. Hopefully it will be an easy one. Another blog for another day.
Parents sometimes forget that children are within earshot of what the parents are saying. Comments that parents sometimes make can be very harmful to children. The way children interpret comments can be very different than what a parent is expressing. Children often are frightened, confused, or angered by comments parents make and the parents are not even aware of the fact that the child has heard them make a statement that could have been misinterpreted or should not have been heard. Parents must be aware of what they say, where their children are, and whether or not it is the best interest of the child to hear their comments. It is also in the parents best interest in order to avoid even more challenges or conflicts down the road. Children will rarely disclose that they have heard something hurtful or upsetting, they will simply internalize these thoughts and that can be very harmful since they might not understand what was actually meant or have all the information needed. A child's imagination can make some statements seem much worse than they are. Children do not have the skills necessary for coping or managing adult problems and parents should not expect children to do so. Parents are responsible for being honest but also for presenting issues to children in age appropriate ways that children can handle and feel secure. So parents be careful if you want to avoid causing your child unnecessary distress and likely undesirable emotional or behavioral consequences to your comments. Be kind, considerate, and thoughtful of your children and it will make your life easier too!
Parents are always saying their children do not respect them. The only way to earn respect is to give it. This does not mean that if you treat someone with respect they will always respect you in return. It does mean that if you always treat someone with respect and then they do not reciprocate respect that at least you know that their disrespect is NOT because you did not earn it.
One problem is parents believe that respect should be automatic. That just because they are parents, they can speak to and treat their children any way they choose and still the child should respect them. Unfortunately, this usually is not the case. Should it be?
Parents are often stressed and unintentionally speak to their children in angry, insulting, and threatening ways. In fact these are often common strategies and attempts to change behaviors. These negative approaches are rarely effective unless children are very vulnerable and they still have negative long term effects.
Bottom line is everyone must earn respect. If parents treat their child with disrespect just because they can then they will not earn respect from their children.
Children are dependent and vulnerable and will tolerate many things because they have no choice, but there is a reason so many children display disrespect as they get older, stronger, and more independent. DISRESPECT IS NOT A PHASE!
Please understand the importance of being respectful to your children. This does not equal permissiveness. It simply means saying and doing what you need to do as a responsible parent without being disrespectful to your child. If a parent feels confused about this then please ask or seek professional help to understand this concept. It WILL enhance your relationship with your children. It will teach one of the most valuable lessons in the world to your children and you will reap the wonderful reward of respect for a lifetime.
When parents are experiencing challenges in their marriage, they must consider how their children are being affected. Far too many parents get caught up in the daily chaos of their own dilemma and basically disregard the children and the effects on the children.
Parents should be very careful to talk with their children as honestly as possible in terms which are age appropriate. If parent are unsure about what is age appropriate , they need do their homework and learn either from a professional or from reading a book or two.
Children are perceptive and in tune with normal family interactions. Children know when something is not right. And if there is not positive conversation about issues then children might and probably will imagine things to be worse or more negative than necessary.
Children need to feel secure, supported, respected, and loved for optimal self esteem, and emotional and social development.
Parents being healthy and demonstrating an ability to work through their problems is very important during these times. Parents who are capable to manage their emotions, choose when and where to discuss (argue), and what to allow children to hear are being responsible parents.
Please understand your marriage problems, separation, divorce is not only between you and your spouse!
Happy 4th of July or as I like to say Happy Independence Day!
Independence...now that is a good topic for parenting. It is interesting that parents always want their children to become more independent, yet parents constantly tell their children what to do, how to do it, and how they should feel, etc.
When children start to become independent parents often resist it. Point is parents want their children to be independent, but it is a hard process for both children and parents.
Children and adolescents becoming independent is a complicated, slow, and sometimes a fragile process that is often discussed during coaching because it creates so much conflict among family members. Independence can often be camouflaged as defiance, disrespect, or rebellious behavior.
Children becoming independent can be scary for both parents and children. The parent's overt reaction to independence doesn't usually look or fell to the children like concern or fear. It usually looks and feels like control, power, lack of trust, and anger.
Becoming independent is a long dance with time between parents and children. Toes will be stepped on, the music will change tempo, but both are required to keep trying to understand what the other is doing and what is the best way to react so that the dance can be fun and as smooth as possible, until one day the dance is over and both parent and child can be independent of one another. A big change for both!
Both must be ready to separate and end the dance, so independence is not just about the children and what they do to become independent. Parents play a significant role in preparing children for independence. Parents have many tough jobs as parents but not many are more difficult than learning how to still be a great parent and let their children be truly independent!
As everyone knows, with parenting comes challenges. Though there are always opportunities to teach children to repeat appropriate behaviors by acknowledging those behaviors, it is also a time to teach when children are behaving in not such great ways. (To put it mildly).
If parents can just recognize each challenging moment as an opportunity to teach , they are immediately in a healthier frame of mind. The benefits to this type of attitude or way of thinking are immeasurable. If parents view every aggravation as an opportunity then they will reduce their stress level, be more calm, logical, and a much better role model.
Find the humor in situations when you can, but regardless, take a deep breath and think... OK what are we needing to learn this time?
And take it from there. At least parents will be starting out knowing that this is a time to learn and grow...one more teacing job well done !
Posts
