Ignoring your child's behavior

Ignoring

Ignoring a child’s behavior is more difficult and complex then it sounds.

Ignoring is the second strategy of the basic four concepts for discipline. (in other words teaching) Parents who are familiar with positive parenting understand that in regard to positive parenting the term ‘discipline ‘ means ‘teaching’.

Ignoring can be used to minimize and eliminate inappropriate and annoying behaviors. The first rule when using the ignoring technique is that ignoring can only be used for behaviors that are safe. Safety is always first and most important.

Ignoring can be defined as not paying attention to your child’s inappropriate behavior. Ignoring can also be defined as not acknowledging your child’s undesirable behavior. Ignoring is the opposite of acknowledging appropriate behavior, which should happen often. (If you have not read the article about Acknowledgment, please do so when you can).

Remember ignoring is only used to eliminate or minimize inappropriate annoying attention seeking behavior. If your child is legitimately upset about something then a parent must attend to the distress. Parents usually know when a child is distressed and is not just demonstrating a behavioral problem. Knowing how to tell if your child is demonstrating a behavioral problem is another complex topic for another article. Also knowing how to teach your child healthy coping skills if he or she is distressed is also a topic to discuss in more detail.

An important key parenting tip is ….”the behavior you attend to is the behavior you will promote”. Good examples are whining, pouting, stomping, complaining, being noisy, or other possibly inappropriate attention seeking behaviors. If your child behaves in these ways, then your child has learned that when he or she behaves this way, you will respond. They get a payoff. Children are simply figuring out how to get what they want. What they want is usually something specific or just attention. They are pretty darn smart.

Another good point to remember is that children want your attention. They would prefer positive attention, which is why being sure to acknowledge expected desired behaviors is so important. However, they will be fulfilled with getting negative attention over no attention at all.

So ignoring a child can be a problem for many parents for a few reasons. The main reason reported is that parents get frustrated and cannot tolerate the annoying sounds, whining, etc. Parents sometimes report worrying about what other people think, or parents are just uncomfortable feeling like they are ignoring their child.

If parents have trouble with their frustration tolerance then they should learn better coping skills to improve their frustration tolerance. There are absolute skills they can develop which will also help in many other life situations. Learning to manage your emotions especially frustration is an advantageous skill for anyone at any age. There are books to read and professionals who can guide anyone though development of this skill. Also if the parent can be a good role model for high frustration tolerance, they will be teaching their child to tolerate frustration also.

As far as what others think, parents must ask themselves what is more important. In the moment, parents might feel embarrassed that their child is misbehaving. The big picture is that if a parent is truly concerned about the child’s best interest and how to best eliminate an inappropriate behavior then a parent will commit to ignoring and just accept embarrassment for now. (they can also learn to not be so concerned with what other think) In the long run, if parents are concerned about what others think, just imagine the humiliation during adolescents if their child does not learn at a young age that they cannot get everything they want just by whining, shouting, complaining or much worse behaviors in adolescents. Most people parents will never see again. People who count parents can explain to them the strategy of ignoring. (of course there is more to discuss regarding others and social settings)

Regarding a parent feeling badly because they feel like they are ignoring their child, here’s the deal. This is an easy one. Parents must remind themselves that they are not ignoring their children. They are ignoring their children’s inappropriate behavior. Parents are doing their child a great justice by teaching them that they will not succeed in life with this type of behavior. Their teachers will not give them an ‘A’, their bosses will not give them a raise, and their relationships will not be happy and healthy because they stomp and demand it to be the way they want it. All these privileges are earned.

It is a responsible parent’s job to teach their children appropriate behavior. Parents must teach their children how to be responsible. When children have learned these behaviors and demonstrate these behaviors, a parent can tell their child that they will listen to them or talk with them when they are calm, speak normally, or stop whining. Each parent must find the terms that are natural and work for them. It is ok for the parent to let the child know what they are doing and why. i.e.- “I am ignoring you because you are whining or ….”

Please be sure that the instant a child demonstrates self control or an ability to manage their behavior in a positive way that a positive acknowledgment or response is given.

Ignoring is harder then it seems but it is an incredibly safe, calm, and very effective way to minimize and eliminate undesirable behaviors.

Remember all positive parenting strategies are only effective if approached in a loving and genuine way, which means a parent must be very psychologically prepared, confident, and healthy.