Parents and grief

Grief...sorrow ....unbearable sadness...that hole left in your heart that can never ever be filled again...cannot begin to describe the feeling parents have who outlive their child.

You will hear many say there is nothing worse than losing a child. I agree. There are many factors that can worsen or lighten this horrific emotional pain such as how much suffering the child might have endured before his or her death or how much physical interaction the child and parent had prior to death, but the death of a child still leaves a grief that lasts forever.

Time does help to process, adapt, and figure out what can help live with the loss of your child, but never never does it heal or get easy.  Parents can simply learn how to live with their most intense psychological pain.  Some do not ever learn and that is so sad.

Recently a wonderful woman died, age 55, too young to leave this earth.  She was a good woman. Her father found her.  She had one younger brother, and a mother among many other family members that survived her.  Though she lived independently, her mother was a primary person involved in much of her health care throughout her life due to several health issues stemming from childhood.  Both her parents did all they could to keep her safe, teach her, and make sure she knew she was very loved.  Both her parents are ridden with immeasurable sorrow.  All the family is sad of course, but parents suffer heartache compared to no other.

Everyone recognizes death as a part of life, yet so many do not know much about grieving.  Grieving is unique to each individual.  Just as individuals could benefit from learning more about all aspects of psychological wellness.  Grieving parents could benefit from knowing how to allow themselves to grieve in the healthiest way possible so not to allow their sorrow to cause medical or mental health issues. And grief can cause serious health issues if not managed well.  There can be many stages and aspects of grief such as immense sadness, depression, denial, fear, anger, shame, and guilt among others.

Parents can learn what works for them.  What helps them get into a good place. And that it is OK to get into a good place.  But if parents need some time to be nonfunctional for a while that is OK too.  It is important to learn that eventually both cognitive and behavioral changes will help to allow them to live the rest of their life as happily and healthy as possible with this permanent hole in their heart.  But there is no specific time for any one person.  The idea is to prevent further harm.  Whatever you need to do in the grieving process is fine but if grieving becomes part of a new problem or is no longer helpful each day then it is time to either find new methods for your grieving process or seek professional help. 

I do not use the word 'healing'.  The hole does not heal.  We just learn to live again.  If you are a parent who has lost a child then you understand.

Cognition will become healthier when parents practice choosing to remember the positive aspects of the child's life.  From death we can learn so much.  Why is it that in the midst of a new loss it is so easy to keep priorities in order?  We somehow know what is important.  We can learn optimal appreciation for others, experiences, each moment and every second in life.  We can learn to be happier, smarter, and stronger from our loss because we choose to learn from it and have survived it. 

Behavioral changes will help because you can choose to take care of yourself. You can demonstrate to all that you can cope. This will teach others that healthy survival is possible and they too can learn should they need to have these skills also one day.  This is a great gift to others and will promote contagion.  Who, of all the deceased, wouldn't be happy to know that in their death others learned, grew, and became happier, healthier human beings?

Memorialize the precious life that is now gone by helping yourself and others.  You can choose other ways to memorialize your child and keep their spirit alive forever also. Ideas and ways to do this are immeasurable. And finding a way that works for you is up to you.   Once a parent has specific times each year as a time set aside to remember, show respect and love for their child, then it is certain that their relationship will continue forever. 

And if you have other children, you must know that a parents grief is felt by the other children.  Not only do siblings have to cope with their own sorrow and pain, but to watch a parent grieve is also a great heartache.  Parents, it is our responsibility to take care of ourselves, and continue to protect, teach, and love all our children always.


Please do not judge yourself or parents who have lost a child.  Be kind and supportive.  The support can help diffuse some of the sadness and the need for support never stops.  Regardless of the overt behavior or what  parents says, they benefit from support and genuine comfort... always.  Friends that still call years after the loss on his or her birthday or death day, have no idea of how much this helps to ease the sadness.  How much someones expression of thoughts and compassion allows the emotional pain to be shared and then not be quite so heavy in the heart.

My positive energy goes out to you and to all those who have experienced the greatest loss of all ..the loss of our baby girls or boys...take care of yourself mom and dad because that is definitely what your deceased child would want you to do and that is definitely what will make your other children less sad!

As always, if issues arise, further discussion is needed, or you have questions, comments, etc. after reading this article please know I welcome all to write, ask, or in contact me anyway and anytime.