A small bit on communication skills

Parents could benefit greatly from improving their communication skills.

Communication skills require and involve much more than hearing words and talking. Communication is a complicated process which is more often than not fowled up during the process.

Parents can learn to play a bigger and better role on the listening end first and foremost. The parents can learn to be sure the clarify what they think they are hearing their child say and what they mean. Interpretation is often another problem.

Parents can then also learn to think about how to proceed instead of being reactive. Most parents do not have optimal parenting skills regarding their ability to manage their reactivity vs. proactive approaches to children and especially challenging situations.

There are many techniques and responses parents can provide to their children which will promote a healthy interaction, further discussion and clarity , as well as a positive outcome. Parents need to learn these techniques.

Some of these techniques involve: feedback, probing, crisis management, acknowledgment of feelings, gathering more information, ignoring, informing, humor, positive sandwich statements, giving choices, clarification, using "I" statements, and sometimes implementation.

Ususally these techniques take practice but if parents are committed to being positive effective parents and being healthier then the time and efforts invested will reap phenomenal benefits!

Positive Parenting Class begins tonight!

"Positive Parenting"
Parenting can be the hardest job on the planet!

1) Learn to reduce, minimize, or eliminate your stress and negativity!
2) Learn all the proven effective, positive parenting strategies.
3) Develop a discipline system that works for your family.
4) Learn how to perfect implementation of your discipline system!

If you are a parent who wants their children to be:
- Safe - Happy - Healthy - Respectful - Responsible - Confident - Independent - Able to think for themselves - Cooperative - Motivated -
- Able to make good choices - Communicative - Self disciplined - Enthusiastic about having a good relationship with you - Successful -

Instructor: MS Child /Adolescent therapist, Parent Expert/Coach, PhD student
Location: Baltimore City - Canton area
Fees: $25.00 per participant, 40$ per couple
Date/Time: December 2 & 9th, 2009 , 6:30 - 8:30 p.m. (4hrs)
Registration is required
Seating is limited

For more information: Contact Dianne DeSantis MS
positiveparentingusa@gmail.com
Call 410-528-3329
www.positiveparentingusa.com

Protecting vs. controlling our children

Naturally parents want to protect their children. I often work with families that try to control just about every situation in order to protect their children. Though very well intended, controlling or preventing your children from trying new things is not a good idea.

Children need to try new things in order to learn new things. Everyone learns much better by doing and children are not exempt of this rule. Parents should encourage children to do new things. Parent scan and should provide support and information to them to best prepare them.

Also parents ( especially dad's with their daughters..sorry dads) need to allow their children to do things that are age appropriate and socially appropriate. Teenagers want to communicate with other teens ( mostly texting nonstop) , they are interested in their sexuality and development, they are interested and like in all sorts of things that adults do not understand, and parents need be able to manage the balance of allowing their children to grow, explore, experience, and learn while keeping them safe and well prepared for life.

I know it is worrisome sometimes but respect their natural and appropriate desire for more privacy and life experience that you will not be part of. Be there for them when they need you. Safety always first but be sure to keep the lines of communication open. Parenting is not about parents controlling, it is about teaching and preparing your children for life and independence.

A Word on Corporal Punishment

Real simple. Do you want or like to be hit, spanked, or physically harmed in any way?
Does being harmed in any way by someone motivate you? What would you learn?

Oh corporal punishment will change behavior BUT only as long as the victim is vulnerable!

If you could teach your children how to be responsible, think for themselves, and make positive productive decisions without corporal punishment...wouldn't you?

Parenting is without debate the hardest job on the planet. Parenting therefore requires many skills and much knowledge. Discipline can be complicated. Bottom line is Information is available for parents.

If you haven't read my article about spanking, please do so.
http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-9038-Baltimore-Family-Issues-Examiner~y2009m6d3-To-spank-or-not-to-spank

If you have any questions, comments, concerns, or need further assistance for being a positive, healthy, effective parent please contact me and I will be happy to help!

role modeling

Adolescent Attitude

There is so much to say about adolescents. First and foremost they are awesome...so interested in everything, so adventuresome, full of energy, so invincible ( in their minds), determined, independent ( again in their minds), and changing so fast...OK I know they are also a big giant pain in the butt! Their mood changes with the wind, they are snippy, they are rebellious, and oh so sloppy ..they seem so irresponsible and private. That beautiful child that used to love you and hug you and be so happy to make you smile now seems to have forgotten all you have done for him or her...

Well parents can you please just remember that they have a lot going on. With all the physical, emotional, and social changes, growth, and adaptation, they are managing it is hard to be responsible and deal well with a nagging parent. And we must admit most parents do not have optimal positive parenting skills that they have been using since the birth. After all these years of yelling, punishment, nit picking, prying into their business, doing everything for them, lecturing, threatening, commanding, demanding, controlling, etc etc...they have had enough.

They know they are supposed to grow up and separate from you. They know they are supposed to get an education, make good decisions, be independent and self supportive and it is all scary as crap!

Detaching from you is as hard for them as it is for you.(though they will never admit that to you) Treat them with respect and they will be respectful, let unimportant issues pass, allow them to express themselves respectfully, let them screw up the small stuff and be there to support them, remember safety first always! ( There is way to much to say about all this..just a drop in a bucket here.)

Of course we must teach them to be responsible and respectful, but if you are a good role model
(which means you behave exactly as you would expect them to behave) and approach all issues, challenges, and concerns in a positive, teaching, loving, productive way, (and if you do not know how to do that I can teach you)I assure you they are pretty certain to grow up and be happy, healthy, responsible and respectful adults.

Positive Parenting Class

"Positive Parenting"
Parenting can be the hardest job on the planet!

1) Learn to reduce, minimize, or eliminate your stress and negativity!
2) Learn all the proven effective, positive parenting strategies.
3) Develop a discipline system that works for your family.
4) Learn how to perfect implementation of your discipline system!

If you are a parent who wants their children to be:
- Safe - Happy - Healthy - Respectful - Responsible - Confident - Independent - Able to think for themselves - Cooperative - Motivated -
- Able to make good choices - Communicative - Self disciplined - Enthusiastic about having a good relationship with you - Successful -

Instructor: MS Child /Adolescent therapist, Parent Expert/Coach, PhD student
Location: Baltimore City - Canton area
Fees: $25.00 per participant, 40$ per couple
Date/Time: December 2 & 9th, 2009 , 6:30 - 8:30 p.m. (4hrs)
Registration is required
Seating is limited

For more information: Contact Dianne DeSantis MS
positiveparentingusa@gmail.com
Call 410-528-3329
www.positiveparentingusa.com

Labels are for products not for children

Please choose positive labels for your children. Many parents label their children unconsciously and reinforce these labels daily throughout their children's lives. Children will be victimized by this self fulfilling prophecy. How will children identify with their positive attributes and work to promote their positive characteristics if parents always focus on the negative traits and characteristics.
Please see my article on the examiner.com

www.examiner.com/x-9038-
Remember to be a positive parent and your children will be more positive too!

Wiping

Well. The time has come. Children need to learn to wipe their own behinds. There are too many parents who do not allow their children the opportunity to practice basic life skills until they can master them.
Parents are doing their children a great injustice if they do not allow them to make a few mistakes do a few tasks not to perfection or as timely as the parent would like.
Parenting requires lots of patience in order to teach and let children learn. Think about the best way to learn...do you learn from just being told or shown or do you learn best when you can do something yourself?
Please know nothing horrible will happen until your child will master wiping! In fact your child will be more likely to develop healthier self esteem, confidence, hygiene, and many other important life skills once they can wipe thelselves!

Intangible Privileges

Parents need to recognize that using intangible rewards can be very powerful approach. Children do care about how their behavior makes their parents feel. Children may not appear to care especially when they are adolescents, but they do.

There has been much evidence that this is true. Especially when parents are good parents and have a healthy relationship with their children, then children care much more about making their parents happy or proud than material rewards or privileges. Your happiness or pride fir your children is a privilege that they earn and enjoy.

A good idea might be to be sure to always let your children know accurately how you feel about their behavior. Please think first, be calm, sincere, and not emotionally reactive. This is an opportunity to share your feelings and teach your child.

Positive Parenting works!

Sorry for the Interruption!

Sorry for the lapse in blogging. I took a month off to drive cross country. It was very inspiring and motivational. I highly recommend the challenging adventure!

Thanks for your continued support and patience while I was away!

Parenting and Media Smarts

So many parents talk about the problems regarding too much tv, computers, texting, overall online use and other media abuse issues.

Just like all other areas of concern in your child's best interests, it is important to approach the issue in a positive and productive manner.

Use of media and all technologies can be a wonderful advantage for children regarding learning. As always parents must remember safety first. Then check themselves to be sure their issues are NOT about he parents need to control but that there concerns are reasonable and make sense.

OK so when addressing such an issue parents can inform the children of the concerns and why they are concerned. Then explain what a reasonable plan to resolve the issue is going to be. Of course your child can have input about what is fair and reasonable or at least parents can listen to what their children have to say. That would be respectful. Offering choices within a healthy level is always another positive approach to an issue. However parents should do some homework and find out what is normal and what is healthy making a decision that is in the best interest of their child. (Normal is not always healthy so it is NOT just about what everyone does..like some people think it is normal for parents to argue with their teens????...This may be normal but it is not an absolute way of life nor is it necessary or healthy. Another topic for another day)

Anyway, it is always better for everyone if the issues are addressed in a positive way with lots of information available so that during and after the discussion about the issue everyone is at least close to agreeing. Trust me if a parent has good information available and provides their children with valid concerns in a respectful way ..children will be receptive to the info and requests.

If children are not then something is not healthy within the interaction and that is what needs to be addressed. Most often there is a power struggle, underlying anger/animosity, or other behavioral issue. If so seek professional help with figuring out why the unhealthy relationship exists.

For most parents just being sincere about your concerns, treating your children with respect, and
approaching the issue with effective communication skills will certainly help resolve the problem or at least be the beginning of a solution.

Ultimately parents are running the show since they provide all the privileges children like, want, and need! Parents however could benefit from being a little nicer when being firm and understand children just need to learn to make good decisions for themselves...that is the parents' responsibility to teach!

Dog Training vs Child Training?

If people are willing to pay 100$ on average to learn how to teach their dogs appropriate ways to behave, why are parents so reluctant to seek help, learn, or pay for formal education about how to interact with children in order to teach them hwo to behave in appropriate ways?

Suicide Prevention Week: Third leading cause of death in adolescents

Suicide is an unpleasant and too often avoided topic. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people ages 15 - 24. It is only third behind homicides and accidents as stated in the Amercian Association of Suicidology Statistics. And based on reports there are probably more suicides that are reported as homicides and accidents for a number of reasons. The statistical fact sheets are always overwhelming. Some of the youth facts are listed below from the 2006 Statistics. It takes almost 3 years for these annual statistics to be complied and publicized.

• Each day, there are approximately 11.5 youth suicides in our nation.
• Every 2 hours and 5 minutes, a person under the age of 25 completes suicide in our nation.
• In 2006, 216 children ages 10 to 14 completed suicide in the U.S.
• Suicide rates for those between the ages of 10-14 increased over 50% between 1981 and 2006.
• Maryland ranks 34 in 2006 and approximately 9.1 youth ages 15-19 completed suicide per every 100,000. That equals 4189 young people in 2006.

The primary focus of Suicide Prevention Week is to raise awareness that suicide can be prevented. If more people were informed about the warning signs and basic prevention skills many lived could be saved.

There is much to understand and learn about suicide. Everyone is not expected to become an expert, but just as people learn preventative measures for so many other safety and health issues, people should be motivated to learn more about the prevention of suicide.

It is important that people understand the trends, possible causes, and warning signs for youth suicide. The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has published articles to help keep others informed.

One important point is that there is no type of person who commits suicide and the reason that any one person might consider suicide can be very different from the reasons that might cause another person to become suicidal. Everyone has mental health and can become ill or suicidal, so anyone could be at risk for suicide.

Warnings signs and symptoms of suicidal thinking are not always blatant or obvious but can be more subtle. Warnings signs are important to know and are listed on many reputable sites (warnings signs and risk factors), however, people must feel informed and confident about what to do when they recognize potential warning signs. Warning signs in children or adolescents might be even more masked or underlying since children are less able to recognize unhealthy thinking, are afraid, embarrassed, or have the needed vocabulary, and are more vulnerable in general.

There are many reputable sites and many professional ready to help provide information or intervention. Please be aware, get informed, and prepared to take action in the event you or someone you know is in need of help. A few minutes to listen, talk, learn, or find help could save your life or the life of someone you love.

Lifeline is a national suicide prevention organization among many available for assistance regarding suicide prevention and intervention. Grassroots Crisis Intervention Center is a local suicide prevention and intervention agency available located in Columbia, Maryland.

Please call if you or someone you know has any questions or concerns to get the support, resources, and help that can save a life.

Selective Mutism

If your child has developed 'selective mutism' you might want to read a little about it. BAsically this is when a child is able to understand and speak fine usually but in specific circumstances does not speak at all. It would also be wise to speak with a professional if your child continues with his or her mutism for longer than a few weeks.

Often this behavior is a result of anxiety. Sometimes it is a behavior which children find works for them to get some need met. For example children might not respond to cause distress in adults and redirect the focus or to gain attention when another sibling usually receives most of the caregivers attention.

Each child and situation is unique and should be assessed if continues for a period of time because the cause can worsen.

https://www.google.com/health/ref/Selective+mutism

Repeating yourself

What is the point of repeating yourself to your children? Do you think they really didn't hear you?
Do you think they have impaired hearing? You should probably get that checked. Do you repeat yourself as a courtesy to your child? Maybe...that's nice. How many times? 2 times, 4 times, 8 times, 20 times...that's not nice any more. Now you are being not so smart and a nuisance. You wonder why children ignore you are dependent on you reminding them for everything.

OK so instead...just be kind and take action. Say what needs to be one once, maybe a kind reminder...they are children and learning, then do what needs to happen. And parents can you please not be mad. This is your responsibility to teach your children how the world works...so when the toys are not picked up or clothes are laying on the stairs, etc. you simply take them and put them away. Unfortunately the child has now lost the privilege of having those otems for a bit...depending on age.

Your consistency and fairness with this 'action' (implementation) will quickly and easily teach your child...you can tell them also how sorry you sincerely are that they lost the privilege since they were not responsible..what a shame....but you are just trying to be a responsible parent.
They WILL GET IT and you will not be the bad guy!

Now that was easy.

Its about education...not intelligence!

Parents...Please can you understand that learning about parenting strategies and methods that are effective and positive is not only for parents with low IQs. duh?

Children do not come with handbooks! Parenting can be very complicated and is a challenging job to do.

It doesn't matter how educated or intelligent you are...if you do not have a degree in child development or psychology etc it would be impossible for you to know details, specifics, or have comprehensive knowledge about child/human behavior.

Parenting is not just about being a good person...there are skills that can make a parent a better parent with a little education !

Coffee Shops and Children?

OK so in the last week I had three friends complain to me that when they went to the coffee shop to do some work, they were annoyed with the games moms play with their children in the midst of people studying or working quietly.

I know a coffee shop is a public venue, but common courtesy and logic must be factored in. If a mom's group wants to get together...that is wonderful but please do not go to a library or coffee shop when there are people trying to be productive and need quiet to do so!

I am not trying to offend these great moms just helping then see this from a different perspective.

As a mother or four grown children and a strong advocate of exposing children to as many environments as possible, I get why you might go there, but please be considerate. Everyone life unfortunately does not evolve around your children or parenthood.

There are thousands of other venues more suitable for hide and seek!

Also these parents are not teaching children to be considerate of others either. Come on parents please teach your children how to behave appropriately in all environments by doing so yourself!

Giving too many commands

If you are giving commands all day, you are annoying your children and teaching your children to ignore you.

Parents give commands all day long. Come eat, get ready, get your jacket, hurry up, let’s go, behave, put your stuff away, get a shower, do good in school, be nice, go change your clothes, be home by dark, ..you get the idea.

Imagine if this was how it was in the adult world? Imagine going to your friends house and all he or she did was bark commands at you…sit down, sit still, stop talking, be polite, eat your food, use your napkin, answer your phone, stop texting, etc…that would be annoying.

If parents think about how they would feel in an adult world being the recipient of the same strategies. Children feel the same way about this command giving, and it is understandable why children become annoyed.

Of course adults do not communicate that way with one another, because adults assume or know that other adults know or will figure out what they need to do. . So why do adults communicate with children this way? Do parents think children cannot figure things out? And how are children supposed to learn?

Ultimately the responsibility of the parent is to teach their children how to think and make good decisions. Right? If parents give a command or tell a child what to do, they are not allowing or training their children to think. When you tell a child what to do it does not allow the child an opportunity to think for him or herself and figure out what they need to do.

Giving commands is just one negative way of trying to get children to do what parents want. Parents always ask “well how in the world do we get our children to do what we want without telling them what to do?” Parents must consider the objective and be smarter. Parents are trying to motivate a child to do something that is in the best interest of the child or the parent.

It is natural for people to dislike being told what to do so it is natural for children to not like being told what to do. Children will learn to ignore their parents or at least ignore the command.

Yes children need guidance and explanations about what to do at times, but there are thousands of interactions each day when a child could just be given information and they could easily choose what to do.

To learn more go to www.examiner.com/x-9038-

Learning from our parents

Many parents comment about how as children they swore that they would not do as their parents did. Many parents report to me that though they turned out O.K. they want to parent their own children differently than they were parented. They say their parents were harsh or did not understand them. They report unpleasant memories or issues as a result of thinking in unhealthy ways.

So what I hear and what I see are often very different. Parents say they want to discipline or teach their children with a more positive approach and be more pleasant, yet what I see is parents doing exactly the same things as what there parents did.

Yes it is a learned behavior, deeply rooted but parents can choose to learn and parent in new positive effective ways if they are willing to be committed and make the effort.

So Parents, learn from your parents take the good and continue with it...think of the negative and learn how to do it better then your children will have the best skills ever to teach your grandchildren! How's that for exponential learning?!