Thursday, May 20, 2010

Child abuse is not always obvious


            Not all child abuse is obvious.  Child abuse is not always disclosed to the public.  Child abuse does not necessarily include physical violence.  As in the recent case regarding the starvation of a 1 year old boy to death, abuse was by way of maladaptive behaviors on behalf of the caretakers, mistreatment, and extreme neglect.   http://www.wbaltv.com/news/        
            But not all abuse consists of serious crime or overt violent behavior.  Many cases of abuse occur by way of neglect, sexual maltreatment, psychological and physical harm, or combination.  Abuse is ongoing maltreatment to a child by a caretaker. 
            Child abuse, mild through fatal, can be defined as harm, injury, or death to a child’s physiological or psychological well being.  Neglect of a child’s basic needs, causing fear, exploitation, or guilt, could be a form of child abuse.  Abuse can be intentional, though it can also be considered unintentional.  Sexual abuse perpetrators might report that they believe the child enjoys the sexual contact at some point during the abuse.  Mentally ill perpetrators inflicting emotional distress might believe that they are disciplining or teaching a child appropriate behavior.  There have been cases when perpetrators believed they were performing the will of God.  Some perpetrators might report no recall or understanding that abuse was inflicted.  Common forms of child abuse are inflicted by a familiar person, such as, family or caretakers.  Abuse by stranger occurs in abduction, war crimes, sex slavery, or imprisonment. 
            Children can be traumatized as a result of direct abuse, but also by witnessing, being threatened, or experiencing disaster, accidents, or horrific crime.  These types of trauma can have a different than being harmed by a familiar or trusted person with an intention for maltreatment.  Maltreatment by a caretaker is more likely to result with permanently deformed development of attachments, self esteem, socialization, and other aspects of personality.
Types of abuse
            Neglect can result from basic needs not being met.  Children left to fend for themselves regarding food, safety, shelter, and support, could be considered neglected.  Children lacking stable nurturance, supervision, structure, discipline, or stimulation, can be considered neglected.
            Physical abuse could include spanking, smacking, hitting, burning, shaking, torture, starvation, drowning among other forms of corporal punishment or physical harm.    Sexual abuse can entail any number of familiar perpetrators involved in any array of sexual behaviors over any duration of time.  Sexual perpetrators coerce their victims by threatening consequences, ranging from causing harm or death to the victim, victim’s parents, caretakers, or pets.  Guilt can also be powerful leverage for perpetrators to persuade their victims.
            Emotional abuse can be difficult to identify when it occurs independently from others types of abuse.  Emotional abuse could be physical threats, belittlement, or vulgarity.  Emotional abuse usually coincides with other forms of maltreatment.
Psychological aftermath of child abuse
            During brain development neural pathways are created.  Every experience teaches children and contributes to brain development.  Predictable stress assists in learning however prolonged, unpredictable, or severe stress can alter brain development.
A child focusing on getting their basic needs met or survival instead of the normal childhood thoughts and behaviors can inhibit normal development.  Brain development of this type allows children to prepare for a world which is unpredictable and dangerous.  These children remain in a chronic state of alertness, overreact to triggers, and have other anxiety related symptoms and disorders.  Some disorders might include sleep disturbances, panic, separation issues, and hyperactivity.  These children may also be prone to aggressive behavior because of the fight response from real or perceived threats.   These children can also be easily misdiagnosed as a result of their brains being conditioned to monitor non verbal cues of perpetrators and are less skilled at interpreting verbal cues of non threatening communication.  Children who have locked their focus on how to endure abuse could have severe difficulty with organization of their psychological framework.
            The task of an abused child is to formulate a desired wholesome personality and healthy attachments in the midst of cruelty, unexplainable behaviors, confusing circumstances, and an unhealthy environment.
            Abused children are in constant combat between acceptance of feeling they are bad and having the determination and underlying hope that they are good.  They do not want to believe the perpetrators are bad so they must assume, the abuse is because they are bad.
            Whether or not a child’s needs are met can affect personality, intelligence, cognition, emotions, and ultimately how a child behaves.  Abused children often demonstrate an inability to manage their emotions and can have aggressive or explosive reactions to others.  Some children may respond by being withdrawn or not responsive to affection.  Social settings might present challenges because abused children may not interact appropriately due to emotionally immaturity.  Other issues could include learning disabilities, eating and sleeping disturbances.
Long term effects
            Abused children can have repercussions into adolescents and adulthood.  In adolescence, abused children can be promiscuous, develop eating disorders, have difficulty with intimacy, or sexuality.   Adolescence, just like childhood, is a time for continued development in the brain.  If teenagers were abused or continue to be abused this abuse distracts the psychological normal development.  Reason, logic, and abstract thinking are examples of cognition that are interrupted when abuse occurs.  Brain development and the skills that help adolescents think and make good decisions can be prolonged, delayed even further than normal, or prevented by abuse. 
            In adulthood, abuse victims continue to demonstrate maladaptive behaviors.  Basic trust, initiative, and autonomy are problematic for adult survivors.  These interpersonal conflicts among others keep adult survivors at risk for repeated victimization.  Self fulfilling prophecy seems sustained and they cannot imagine themselves other than being a victim.  Other long term effects include suicidality, depression, inability for conflict resolution, anxiety, fear of abandonment, exploitation, domination, or betrayal.  Gender differences indicate men to be more aggressive toward others while women tend to injure themselves.  Adult survivors of child abuse may struggle or may never be able to establish normal cognitive, social, emotional, and behavioral skills even with intensive interventions.
Prevention and education
            There are too many reported cases of child abuse. The number of reported child abuse is staggering.  If the number of unreported cases were included, it could be epidemic.  Awareness, health and parent education, and early intervention could help prevent child abuse and the aftermath.  Child abuse victimizes more than children. Report child abuse. http://www.dhr.state.md.us/cps/address.php  
Parents, learn about positive effective parenting

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Guilt and other negative emotions!


Yes parenting is the toughest job on the planet! I say it all the time to parents. And yes there are so many negative emotions that can overwhelm parents (as we all know too well) and this is normal...however, the important things to remember are that we must develop healthy skills in order to return as quickly as possible to a healthy frame of mind in order to be the best parent we can be. Yes these negative emotions, such as guilt are helpful in order to recognize a need to make a change. We must identify the cause for the guilt (or other negative emotion) and learn. Also every interaction does teach our children something. So it is important to demonstrate good coping skills, communication skills, and conflict resolution skills. As each of the comments indicated there was some time of issue/conflict..oops ( all part of life and especially parenting)..what to do next and how to teach our children in each challenging moment is what is most important! Great job to all of you.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

When children ask why?

Children ask why for lots of reasons but mostly because they want to know something.  They want to learn.
Yes some children ask why when they are trying to avoid doing something or delay doing something etc...this is all part of them learning how to manipulate situations.  Manipulation is not always bad ..it is a child trying to learn how to get their needs or desires met and requires thinking.  So good at least their thinking.  Problem is regardless of their intentions they still must learn to be responsible and we the parents are still smarter ...or at least I hope so. ha

So parents just give them an answer or ask them what they think.  Especially while they are teenagers since they know everything while they are teens.  Ask them to explain the question at hand to you.  If they ask why they have to mow the lawn, you can respond with " Well lets think, if you can mow the lawn then what privilege should you get for being such a responsible member of the family? or if you can't or don't want to mow the lawn then I will have to do it and then unfortunately I will not have time to take you to the mall on saturday." mmmm.  If you question their questions, they will get tired of that approach too and stop asking so much. Or if you make too much sense and basically outsmart them, then they will find it easier just to do what they need to do.  Yes parenting requires patience,  creativity, planning, and lots of other skills but the rewards of your efforts will be wonderful.  Parenting will be easier and your children will learn so much from you.

Make sense.  Offer choices.  Be creative. Be humorous.  Just stay away from the negativity it is detrimental always!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Is it their nature?

What does this mean exactly to people?  As I sat with a friend the other day , he said to me" it is just her nature"  I replied "well actually it is more a learned behavior."  He arguable stated no she is just like that.   and on and on.  He is a smart guy, a typical responsible citizen, yet he along with so many people still walk around thinking that everyone just is as they are.  That there is nothing or very little anyone can do about the way the think, feel, or behave.

It is so frustrating for me and so many in my field to experience this sort of mindset from so many so often.  And parents can benefit as well from this concept.  Yes children are born with a certain temperament, but what they learn from the way parents interact and react to them will teach them how to manage their temperament in beneficial ways.

Can people and parents especially please learn about their own psychological well being and understand that there are so many things to learn and so much people can do to be healthier.

People can choose how to think which does directly impact their feelings and behavior.  People learn to be happy, optimistic, and healthy.  

Naturally there are illness, disease and disorders of brain function and that can be assessed and treated also, but long before medications or clinical intervention is required there are tons of skills and learned behaviors that can be improved upon to promote health ...positive moods, interpersonal skills, safety, emotional management, etc etc...

People are not just as they are... they are a sum of genetics and learned behaviors! Our hard wiring sets the limits so to speak but all interactions can teach us something...we can choose to learn from our experiences.

Please seek this information and understand human behavior..you are a human for heaven's sake and interact with other humans constantly..kind of important ..YES?

Parents need to learn how to teach and teach their children the same.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Ronald McDonald?

Really??? Are you kidding me? Is this how confused and backward our society really is ...that they are really trying to get Ronald McDonald retired? And because people think HE is the cause of obesity???

REALLY? and isn't he a fictional person..no I mean a fictional clown?

Come on people...learning good eating habits does not start with the guy who represents a fast food chain or from any fast food places???

Eating habits and choices are up to each individual and many many people read, learn, and choose healthy foods...many parents teach their children and expose their children to healthy foods so they also develop healthy eating habits...

Please what's next...the Easter bunny should retire too because he makes kids eat chocolate...

or how about Santa because he makes children not live in the true spirit of Christmas and also makes children have a sense of entitlement if he brings too many toys???

Don't blame Ronald if you are not smart enough to educate yourself about what you want to put into your bodies or to teach your children, or to make better healthier choices...intelligent people even children do not put food in their mouth because of a clown...they do so because it tastes good and they enjoy it and it is easy..hence the term fast food. so enjoy on a rare occasion as an unhealthy treat like so many others...and promote Ronald in all his efforts to support and educate about health and caring for those in need - "Ronald McDonald House?"

"Ronald McDonald retiring will not be the answer to obesity!"

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Should I push my child into sports?

It is important for you as a parent to remember that exposing children to new ideas, activities is about the child learning and exploring his or her own skills and interests and not the needs or wishes of the parent or what the parent wants for the child.
Encouragement try new things and understand commitment and responsibility when they join a group is important but it is also very important to talk with your child and truly understand your child's thoughts and feelings.  There is not one good answer regarding how to respond or  react to child not wanting to do something.  There are many factors to be considered and every child is unique.  Their thoughts and experiences are unique also.  (physical issues, emotional issues, social issues, maturity levels, unpleasant experiences, etc...) better yet is the process for resolving the issue at hand...this is what will determine your child's future receptiveness and responsiveness to new experiences and this is the real teaching opportunity.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Addressing fondling and masturbation???

Often parents become concerned about children fondling their genitals or humping in what appears to be in a sexual way.  It is perfectly normal for children to enjoy or get pleasure from touching their genitalia.http://www.yourdictionary.com/medical/genitalia. There are several possibilities why children pursue this behavior or continue past what could be normal exploration. Both girls and boys will masturbate even as toddlers.
It is important to ignore what you can so that you do not create a negative stigma to normal and healthy development but at the same time open positive communication about what is appropriate in public or even in front of others in their own home can be explained.  It is a good idea to explain to children that their genitals are not like their ears and are special.  Parents can age appropriately explain their purpose.
For young children the following is a good explanation of sexual curiosity and exploration.

As children approach puberty, the same applies..healthy, positive communication and age appropriate information is best! Please be sure not to make a negative issue out of normal development.  Read up about normal behavior and development during puberty because it probably has been a while since you were experiencing puberty...and make childhood and adolescence as pleasant as possible...it is hard enough for everyone.

As always if you have more/specific questions or need more information please shoot me an email.

Happy parenting!

School Performance

Question:

I have a 13 year old boy who refuses to do good in school even though he is more than capable mind wise. This has been an on going problem since he started middle school any suggestions will help for I am at my wits end with him.
Thank You

Response:

Thank you for your question.  This is a common stressor for families. Unfortunately, every child has a different attitude or the way they think about education and school performance. Each child also has different capabilities and ways that they learn best.  This is why there is a wide range in performance among all students.  So many children are not great students. Some are mediocre and some excel just fine or are above average.

Naturally some of the attitude and efforts put forth by children are a result of their parents educational performance/ achievements and attitude ( learned behavior)  as well as genetics.

Whenever our children are not healthy in any way physical or psychological ( thinking , feelings, or behaving in their best interest ) it is always important to assess for medical reasons.  If your child is physically healthy then it is important to assess psychological reasons.  (thought processing through behavior...could help to talk with a professional) 


I would always recommend talking with your child about what is going on...not a lecture or making demands but a healthy, pleasant, positive, and genuinely concerned conversation.  Ask him to help you understand what he likes or doesn't like about school.  Why he thinks he either cannot or doesn't do as well as believed potentials would allow. There are many possibilities for why children do not work to their potential. ( I have developed an ABCs for academic success assessment which has proven to be helpful if interested)

Many students never learn how to study in ways that works for them.  This is one of the most common issues I have dealt with in students.   

Other reasons include poor organizational skills, dislike for teachers or subject matter, time management, poor self esteem, anxiety, personal or interpersonal problems, or classes too easy or hard (bored or discouraged). 

Regardless of the what is the cause for poor performance children must learn and understand the importance and correlation between education accomplishments and future success and happiness. Often times, good conversations can be very helpful as well as assistance with important skills mentioned earlier like organization.

Children should be motivated to perform well in school so that they will be educated and have future opportunities.  This is not always clear to children. Parents must help them and sometimes offer outside motivation, support, and guidance.

School is to children like work is to adults and unfortunately unless they really love their job sometimes it is really a grueling task to go and do well.  Hopefully parents can find the tools and develop the skills to help children get through K-12 at least ( usually college is easier for them ...different issues) and be motivated.

Please let me know if you have other specific questions or comments hopefully this has been some help.

Good Luck.